February 12, 2012 
Four D - Gregory Morrison

Jan 18, 2012 - February 10, 2012

8/10

I love romance books. You always know what you are going to get; the delicious internal struggles of an awkward woman and rugged man who fight and doubt their burning passions for one another until they both snap and rip each other's clothes off. Throw in a dash of plot, a pinch of insecurity, a cup of sexual tension and stir in meddling families, physical danger and, of course, boners and you've got yourself a romance. 

The Other Guy's Bride had all of the above romance-book qualities with a historical and exotic flare. The plot is rich and well developed… that's right, a romance with a plot! Ginesse Braxton, the awkward, stubborn, accident prone but very intelligent protagonist comes from a long line of famous Egyptologists. The story unfolds on her way to Egypt to find the lost city of Zerzura. She steals a woman's identity to gain an escort across the desert to discover the legend and hopefully make a name for herself based on her achievements and not her family background. Her escort, of course, is dangerous and handsome and almost hopelessly damaged. Their relationship is built on lies from the start, I mean the title tells us the dilemma: The Other Guy's Bride. Jim Owens, our yummy half American escort, believes that Ginesse is actually Mildred Whimpelhall who he was entrusted to bring back to her fiancé, and major ass, Lord Pomfrey. If Ginesse tells Jim the truth about her identity  she risks losing her guide and the professional discovery of a lifetime. Jim is not the most honest cat either. Jim, or should I say Duke of Avandale, has a long history that he is also not sharing. But we all know what happens when you stick two seemingly opposite people in the dessert, alone, surrounded by danger of all kinds: love…. and sex. And man is it fun to read about! 

Here is what I loved about this book (SPOILERS):  

The chapters alternate between his and her perspective of the unfolding events. I friggin loved this because as I was reading about her thoughts I was anxious to get to the next chapter to read his version of the events. 

Egypt and Arabic and camels = awesome. It made for an exotic and interesting setting. Well done.

Throwing the brother in there at the end added a new dynamic to the story. We all knew Jim would regain his title as Duke but I did not anticipate them battling for her love. It was hard, no impossible, for me to feel sorry for Jock, even though he travelled across the world to reunite with her. I was too emotionally invested in Jim and Ginesse at that point to give any kind of shit about Jock… 

Um, sex in a cave with a life threatening sandstorm banging the door down? Hells yes! 

And finally, and this may sounds just bizarre, is RAMROD. This may give you all a glimpse into my never-ending immaturity and so be it. Enjoy: 

My Third-World Girlfriend - RJ Silver 
I'm always happy when I read a second book by an author that I enjoy as much as the first. This is not a naughty fairytale remake, but it is as funny as The Princess and the Penis. I was laughing out loud while I was reading, plus the ending was a total shock. 

Payback is a filthy bitch! 

When I read the cover of the book I was thinking there would be a paranormal kick to the story line, but the title is quite literal. The relationship-challenged protagonist quits his job to move to Thailand to bang and exploit hot young women after overhearing a random conversation at Heathrow airport. A group of three jaded bachelors take him under their wing and the foursome hits the Thai streets to "sow their wild oats" around the local bars. We learn about past relationships: wine bottles, tire irons and yams to the head. New love blossoms amidst concrete sidewalks and vomit. A tempest of feminine rage creates havoc on the streets and seas, changing the lives of everyone involved. Sounds heavy and the underlying message is, but trust me when I say the banter is witty as hell. Fazis? Festapo? You want to know who they are, trust me. 

Here are some of my favourite lines, (the ones that don't give away too much):

"…next thing i knew, my lips pressed down on hers, sending an electrical charge through me far more intense than any of the times I've been tasered."

"I ain't seen nothin' like that since the ex-wife caught me polishin' the maid."

"We made love for many minutes at a time, once reaching the mythical half-hour mark." 


This quote totally reminded me of The Lonely Island skit about premature ejaculation:

You can find a list of RJ Silvers books HERE. Check it out and purchase a story or three! 

Xx C 

Finally a fairy tale for grown ups. Want a good bedtime story that will make you laugh with wet panties? This is the book for you. With 39 pages The Princess and the Penis is the perfect length (ahem) for you to read in bed before you tuck yourself in. It has a familiar story line: a beautiful, kind and vurtuous princess, an overprotective father and a gigantic phantom penis… wait, what? Yep, you heard me. This is more than your knight-in-shining-armour fairy tale. With chapter titles like A Lump in the Rump, The Phantom Phallus and The Wacky Wizard, this book is hilarious and saucy from start to finish. I actually laughed out loud as I read. A very witty take on an old fashioned story that would make your grandma blush. 

If you needed more convincing (silly you) here are some clever, saucy lines from the story- think double entendre: 
"They can be quite slippery when they want" 
"… I have a feeling matters will soon come to a head" 
"It's no longer just a lump… the more I felt it, the more it grew, until it assumed a most peculiar shape." 

Oh there are so many more, but I really want you to just buy and read it so I won't give anything away. 

XxC 

My next book is another RJ Silver book: My Third-World Girlfriend.

Sigh, where the hell have I been? I'd like to know the answer to this question too actually. You know when Life comes knocking on your door and when you open it all that's there is a steaming pile of shit....? Well that is where I'm at at the moment. On top of it all my computer died, or commited suicide, I'm not really sure which.
So now that I am (sort of) back in the game you should expect to see more of me. I should be hooked up with a computer by the new year and if not at least by mid January.

Thanks for your patience!

Xx C

So, we have finally got off our asses and created our Reading List. It's dauntingly LONG but we are hella excited about every book on this list. Books are listed by submission date, meaning that the books at the top of my list were sent to us first, and the books near the end more recently.
If your book is on this list it means that we have a copy of your book on our Kobos and it's just waiting for us to have to time to crack it open! Unfortunately, we both have  very full time jobs and until the day that we are able to do this delicious book stuff full time, we are left reading on trains and writing in the bath after the gym.... Thank you for your patience!
Much Love Xx C

1. Two Fisted Tweets - James Hutchings

2. In Her Name: Empire - Michael R. Hicks

3. Destiny United - Leia Shaw

4. The Pitchfork Diaries - Jake Bannerman

5. The New Death and Others - James Hutchings

6. The Prodigal Hour - Will Entrekin

7. The Princess and the Penis - RJ Silver

8. My Third World Girlfriend - RJ Silver

9. Secrets in the Sand - Alana Lorens

10. Devil's Creek - Paul Maitrejean

11. The Lost Diaries of John Smith - Phillip Rhodes

12. Destiny United - Leia Shaw

13. The Other Guy's Bride - Connie Brockway

14. The Good Humor Man - Andrew Fox

15. Forest of Shadows - Hunter Shea

Dead of Winter- Brian Moreland

I read all 491 pages of this book in 2.5 days. Admittedly, I found the length a bit daunting at first but it didn’t drag on or become boring. It’s a fantastic book that combines many of my favorite things: violent shape-shifting blood sucking gut eating invisible-ish monsters, violence, massive amounts of suspense, a killer back story and native lore. I loved it. Actually, I couldn’t get through the last half of the book fast enough! The “what the fuck is it-s” and the “holy shit what’s happening next-s” kept me so enthralled that I couldn’t put the book down. The whole time I read it I had the most vivid images in my head of the characters and scenes.

This book needs to be made into a movie- I’ve seen the whole thing in my mind already and it is fantassssstic. Now someone start preparing the set and firing up the computers to hammer out all the CG shit, or whatever the movie people do. I’m thinking M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village but with REAL monsters. There are so many scenes that I am DYING to see on the big screen: the rats and crows forming the body of the demon, when Willow’s face shifts into Beth’s just to fuck with Tom, or how people's bodies morphed and grew when they were infected. OMG, or the scene with Father Xavier and Gustave in his cell!  So. Fucking. Cool.

Ok, here is one of the coolest scenes in the book. Read and you’ll totally understand:


“Let the boy go!” Tom yelled.

The she-beast released a maniacal cackle and then bit into her son’s neck, wrenching out his throat. She dropped the child and charged towards the front of the nave, bounding on hands and feet towards Tom and Pendleton.

“Kill her!” yelled the chief factor as he dashed into a confessional closet.

Tim gripped the barrel of his shotgun and swung, cracking the woman’s jaw. She lurched again. He struck her head, hammering down repeatedly, bludgeoning her face. Her nose shattered. Her forehead caved inward, crushing her eye sockets. The white eyes popped. The infected woman clawed blindly at Tom. Her too-wide mouth kept laughing with a maddening, witch’s cackle. He moved behind the now-blind woman, pressed the barrel to the back of her head, and pulled the trigger. Her face blew outward. She fell to her knees as if kneeling for communion, her entire face an open, dripping maw. The laughter finally stopped. Tom kicked her with a boot, and she fell forward against the stage."


…… aaaaweeeeesome, right?! Get this book right now, read it and enjoy. I did.

Xx Cara

Inside the Outside – Martin Lastrapes

Wow, Kat wasn’t being generous when she gave this book 10/10, Mr. Lastrapes earned every one of those 10 stars.
I encourage you to continue reading my review AFTER you download the book. Now.  It’s ONLY .99 CENTS. That’s a quarter of a coffee, that’s one sip of beer, that’s a third of a bus ticket, hell, you’d give more than that to the homeless man that lives at the train station. So just head on over to Amazon now, here’s the link HERE!

So, as I was saying, wow, what a book. Timber, bloody hell, the crazy shit that this girl goes through. Just when you think you have her and the story pegged a curveball comes at you outta nowhere and knocks you on your ass. I read a few parts of this book with my mouth open, hands in the air, looking around going, “What. The. Fuck” to my empty book room. I thought the shock would end after Part 1, not knowing how the story could possibly develop any further, but Part 2 didn’t let me breathe for a second.

Here's what I love - the writing style is so calm that even the most gruesome of events seem to flow right off the page. I don’t know how to explain this actually… it’s not that it’s devoid of emotion, you empathize with Timber and her struggles, but I think it’s that the language reflects Timber’s perception of the events.  Since she was raised in such a fucked up environment her reaction to, say, decapitation, would vary greatly to, say, mine (!). I could be way off base here, but did anyone else find that? Very well written, gripping really, but left me feeling a little creeped out at how easily it was to read some pretty gnarly parts. And really, didn’t Timber make it though some extraordinarily cruel and insane shit to come outta it fairing well but her character still a bit creepy? As bad as I feel for her I’m still not thinking I’ll make the trip into Bookland to say hello to her and shake her hand.*shudder*

Also, Martin comes right out and tells us what’s going to happen next. At first I was not impressed. “Where’s the suspense???” I implored loudly to the empty room. Then I kept reading and realized that giving me clues wasn’t telling me a gawd damn thing, and even with the info I still wasn’t able to predict what was going to happen next. It was torturous trying to read faster, to turn the page quicker to figure it out, only to be wrong. TEASE! But this is what makes the book so great: suspense, confusion, shock, disbelief, more shock.

We all love a story about an underdog, beating all odds, escaping terror and abuse, to finally find peace, love and happiness... this is not that book.  There are glimpses into this Hollywood movie archetype through a layer of dirt, incest, spunk, blood and guts: a beautifully descriptive narrative for the whole family…. ;) If you need further convincing to get this book you're a fucking idiot, but you can also read Kat's review HERE.

And here is a very important lesson I learned from the book that I'm gunna share with you...

 DO NOT EAT THE MYSTERY MEAT.

BBQ anyone?

The Story of O - Pauline Réage

I recently read and reviewed Exit to Eden by Anne Rice (you can read my review here) and in it the main character references The Story of O. The next day I went to Chapters and found it. It was very cheap, $11, and had a half naked woman on the cover. If you are at all familiar with Exit to Eden you know it's not for the faint of heart: spanking, whipping, dominating, penetrating. A great read actually, which is why I was excited to head straight to the inspiration for all those -ing verbs.

The Story of O is interesting. I am aware that using 'interesting' is about as noncommittal as I can get, like calling someone 'nice.' But the truth is I have a mixed bag of emotions about this book. There was nothing in it that was particularly offensive or shocking, for this reader anyways, but would have been had I have read it when I was 13 - the year it was released. The labia piercing and ass branding were interesting touches. Not enough detail at all went into explaining these processes, in fact the author went from leading the protagonist to the branding area to a disappointing "A week later..." Ugh, nothing worse than a build up with no follow through.

I think I my problems with this book stem from it being written in the 3rd person from the POV of the main chick. It left me feeling disconnected from her and in the end I had no real sense of her as a character. Even when she struggled in her relationships it was without any believable emotion of any kind. Maybe this was the point. Maybe she was so fucked up or so well balanced that her life as a slave was as simple for her as it was portrayed. No way to know really.

Reading The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice and hearing all of the brutal and juicy inner thoughts of the characters has truly ruined me when it comes to books about Sub/Dom play. I wanna know the anguish and torture, I wanna feel how badly it hurts them and how they suffer. Is this sadistic? Yep, but I was raised on gory TV and movies and desensitized or not I still want those details.

But there were many things that made this book worth the read. The relationship with O and René and how it developed was quite odd and delightful. Her love of women was a pleasant twist and I love love loved her attention to detail when describing her attraction to them. Her interactions with women were more natural and thus more interesting to read about. She was the dominant partner in her relationships with women and having that control was probably what kept her from achieving the same level of intimacy that she experienced with men. But even when O was whipped and caressed by Anne-Marie, O's enjoyment came solely for knowing it pleased Sir Stephen. She loved women but she admittedly only saw women as objects to men.  And her male partners, like René, also saw her as an object:

"...he had so often told her that what he loved about her was the object he had made of her, the absolute disposition of her he enjoyed, the freedom that was his to do with her as he wished, as one is free to dispose of a piece of furniture which one takes as much, and sometimes more, pleasure in giving away than in keeping for oneself..."

It is what it is, no need to explain really. Being an object gave her great pleasure and its not like she was ever taken advantage of. The way this book is written, nothing seems unnatural or out of the ordinary at all. Why not seduce a coworker and get her to move in with you and your boyfriend while another man watches through a false wall? Why not keep her 15-year-old sister in the room while you two have sex and then she has sex with your boyfriend. How about we get her to watch while O's whipped  and left hanging and spread open for hours. That's just life man, that's just life.

But I must say that the ending just killed me. A new character is introduced, they meet, O's dressed up and at a party.... the end. WTF? The final chapter has been "suppressed" but don't worry, they tell you what happens, THEN they tell you an alternative ending.. . in a couple of sentences with no explanations or idea how the hell either ending could possibly have happened. And, both endings are terrible. But I guess they could be good in context? If we knew the context?

So, although the book had interesting parts, I'm am not totally overwhelmed either way. Read it if you've never read anything like this before, or if you thought "Labia piercing and ass branding?" and wondered what that could possibly be about. Just remember to drop all that conservative, romantic bullshit you've been fed by popular media and open your mind to a whole world of pleasure in all its different forms...

Xx Cara

Rosemary's Baby - Ira Levin

Rosmary's Baby indeed. That kid was the only interesting part of the whole book and we didn't even meet him until the last few pages.   What the fuck.
To be honest, this book bored the shit out of me for at least half of it (Kat don't kill me!). I just had a really hard time identifying with the protagonist and her decisions. Maybe because it was released in the 60's and women were "different back then?" But who lets themselves be controlled like that, especially when it comes to her own health and the health of her unborn child? Ugh.
However, I also did not enjoy the jumps in the timeline of the book. Months would be skipped and no real detail put in about what happened.  "Oh now I'm just 5 months prego and I love me some raw meat?" What the shit is that? Ugh.

Blah blah blah, vaguely raped by my husband in some satanic ritual in front of a bunch of old strangers while I slept, Blah.

A kid with claws, horns, a tail and crazy eyes is very awesome though. Oh, and the ending was trippy. Props for the ending, but not enough to save the book for me. 

Next book please.

Ps. I have never seen the movie though I imagine that if done well it could be a LOT more interesting than the book. If anyone has seen the movie let me know what you thought of it.

pps. HAIL SATAN (ha!).

xx Cara