Inside the Outside – Martin Lastrapes

Wow, Kat wasn’t being generous when she gave this book 10/10, Mr. Lastrapes earned every one of those 10 stars.
I encourage you to continue reading my review AFTER you download the book. Now.  It’s ONLY .99 CENTS. That’s a quarter of a coffee, that’s one sip of beer, that’s a third of a bus ticket, hell, you’d give more than that to the homeless man that lives at the train station. So just head on over to Amazon now, here’s the link HERE!

So, as I was saying, wow, what a book. Timber, bloody hell, the crazy shit that this girl goes through. Just when you think you have her and the story pegged a curveball comes at you outta nowhere and knocks you on your ass. I read a few parts of this book with my mouth open, hands in the air, looking around going, “What. The. Fuck” to my empty book room. I thought the shock would end after Part 1, not knowing how the story could possibly develop any further, but Part 2 didn’t let me breathe for a second.

Here's what I love - the writing style is so calm that even the most gruesome of events seem to flow right off the page. I don’t know how to explain this actually… it’s not that it’s devoid of emotion, you empathize with Timber and her struggles, but I think it’s that the language reflects Timber’s perception of the events.  Since she was raised in such a fucked up environment her reaction to, say, decapitation, would vary greatly to, say, mine (!). I could be way off base here, but did anyone else find that? Very well written, gripping really, but left me feeling a little creeped out at how easily it was to read some pretty gnarly parts. And really, didn’t Timber make it though some extraordinarily cruel and insane shit to come outta it fairing well but her character still a bit creepy? As bad as I feel for her I’m still not thinking I’ll make the trip into Bookland to say hello to her and shake her hand.*shudder*

Also, Martin comes right out and tells us what’s going to happen next. At first I was not impressed. “Where’s the suspense???” I implored loudly to the empty room. Then I kept reading and realized that giving me clues wasn’t telling me a gawd damn thing, and even with the info I still wasn’t able to predict what was going to happen next. It was torturous trying to read faster, to turn the page quicker to figure it out, only to be wrong. TEASE! But this is what makes the book so great: suspense, confusion, shock, disbelief, more shock.

We all love a story about an underdog, beating all odds, escaping terror and abuse, to finally find peace, love and happiness... this is not that book.  There are glimpses into this Hollywood movie archetype through a layer of dirt, incest, spunk, blood and guts: a beautifully descriptive narrative for the whole family…. ;) If you need further convincing to get this book you're a fucking idiot, but you can also read Kat's review HERE.

And here is a very important lesson I learned from the book that I'm gunna share with you...

 DO NOT EAT THE MYSTERY MEAT.

BBQ anyone?

The Story of O - Pauline Réage

I recently read and reviewed Exit to Eden by Anne Rice (you can read my review here) and in it the main character references The Story of O. The next day I went to Chapters and found it. It was very cheap, $11, and had a half naked woman on the cover. If you are at all familiar with Exit to Eden you know it's not for the faint of heart: spanking, whipping, dominating, penetrating. A great read actually, which is why I was excited to head straight to the inspiration for all those -ing verbs.

The Story of O is interesting. I am aware that using 'interesting' is about as noncommittal as I can get, like calling someone 'nice.' But the truth is I have a mixed bag of emotions about this book. There was nothing in it that was particularly offensive or shocking, for this reader anyways, but would have been had I have read it when I was 13 - the year it was released. The labia piercing and ass branding were interesting touches. Not enough detail at all went into explaining these processes, in fact the author went from leading the protagonist to the branding area to a disappointing "A week later..." Ugh, nothing worse than a build up with no follow through.

I think I my problems with this book stem from it being written in the 3rd person from the POV of the main chick. It left me feeling disconnected from her and in the end I had no real sense of her as a character. Even when she struggled in her relationships it was without any believable emotion of any kind. Maybe this was the point. Maybe she was so fucked up or so well balanced that her life as a slave was as simple for her as it was portrayed. No way to know really.

Reading The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice and hearing all of the brutal and juicy inner thoughts of the characters has truly ruined me when it comes to books about Sub/Dom play. I wanna know the anguish and torture, I wanna feel how badly it hurts them and how they suffer. Is this sadistic? Yep, but I was raised on gory TV and movies and desensitized or not I still want those details.

But there were many things that made this book worth the read. The relationship with O and René and how it developed was quite odd and delightful. Her love of women was a pleasant twist and I love love loved her attention to detail when describing her attraction to them. Her interactions with women were more natural and thus more interesting to read about. She was the dominant partner in her relationships with women and having that control was probably what kept her from achieving the same level of intimacy that she experienced with men. But even when O was whipped and caressed by Anne-Marie, O's enjoyment came solely for knowing it pleased Sir Stephen. She loved women but she admittedly only saw women as objects to men.  And her male partners, like René, also saw her as an object:

"...he had so often told her that what he loved about her was the object he had made of her, the absolute disposition of her he enjoyed, the freedom that was his to do with her as he wished, as one is free to dispose of a piece of furniture which one takes as much, and sometimes more, pleasure in giving away than in keeping for oneself..."

It is what it is, no need to explain really. Being an object gave her great pleasure and its not like she was ever taken advantage of. The way this book is written, nothing seems unnatural or out of the ordinary at all. Why not seduce a coworker and get her to move in with you and your boyfriend while another man watches through a false wall? Why not keep her 15-year-old sister in the room while you two have sex and then she has sex with your boyfriend. How about we get her to watch while O's whipped  and left hanging and spread open for hours. That's just life man, that's just life.

But I must say that the ending just killed me. A new character is introduced, they meet, O's dressed up and at a party.... the end. WTF? The final chapter has been "suppressed" but don't worry, they tell you what happens, THEN they tell you an alternative ending.. . in a couple of sentences with no explanations or idea how the hell either ending could possibly have happened. And, both endings are terrible. But I guess they could be good in context? If we knew the context?

So, although the book had interesting parts, I'm am not totally overwhelmed either way. Read it if you've never read anything like this before, or if you thought "Labia piercing and ass branding?" and wondered what that could possibly be about. Just remember to drop all that conservative, romantic bullshit you've been fed by popular media and open your mind to a whole world of pleasure in all its different forms...

Xx Cara

Rosemary's Baby - Ira Levin

Rosmary's Baby indeed. That kid was the only interesting part of the whole book and we didn't even meet him until the last few pages.   What the fuck.
To be honest, this book bored the shit out of me for at least half of it (Kat don't kill me!). I just had a really hard time identifying with the protagonist and her decisions. Maybe because it was released in the 60's and women were "different back then?" But who lets themselves be controlled like that, especially when it comes to her own health and the health of her unborn child? Ugh.
However, I also did not enjoy the jumps in the timeline of the book. Months would be skipped and no real detail put in about what happened.  "Oh now I'm just 5 months prego and I love me some raw meat?" What the shit is that? Ugh.

Blah blah blah, vaguely raped by my husband in some satanic ritual in front of a bunch of old strangers while I slept, Blah.

A kid with claws, horns, a tail and crazy eyes is very awesome though. Oh, and the ending was trippy. Props for the ending, but not enough to save the book for me. 

Next book please.

Ps. I have never seen the movie though I imagine that if done well it could be a LOT more interesting than the book. If anyone has seen the movie let me know what you thought of it.

pps. HAIL SATAN (ha!).

xx Cara 

The Fire Song
by K. Bannerman

The Fire Song by K. Bannerman is an excellent read. Gods and half giants who walk amongst men, Hell, earthquakes, magical harps, and mystery all packed into a short well written novel. The female protagonist, Maja Turner, is easy to like and identify with. I'd like to meet her actually, in my head we're already friends. She's a shaman who owns a bookstore. That is literally my dream in life, both actually, so I was crapping myself a bit as I was reading it. As you learn more about her, she is witty, strong and very mellow, even in the face of danger and uncertainty; she is a superhero really. Maja is even unique in how she deals with her husband's infidelity. Here's a sweet little tidbit from the text (Maja speaking about her husband Nick):

    "I think it’s cute, in a strange way, how he sneaks around like a little boy who thinks he’s being clever.  The first affair broke my heart, but when I put the pieces back together, I found I’d lost the part that had adored Nick.  Without that little shard, it was easy to like him, sleep with him, and live with him, even with the knowledge that he was screwing around behind my back.  If he wasn’t going to be faithful, it didn’t mean we couldn’t still be friends." 

Very interesting indeed.

The characters are well developed and interesting, especially Maja's grandmother, Aiti, who's all sassy and mischievous. But what I really love is how Maja lives between the world of humans and this overlapping spirit world that slowly reveals itself throughout the book. Anytime I find myself wanting to leave my reality to live in one created in a book I know I have found a winning story. The Fire Song left me wanting to crawl into Maja's world and not just to live with her but AS her. Well done K. Bannerman, well done.


But before I continue, I'd like to suggest you download the ebook before you continue reading so I don't spoil anything for you.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~

... and welcome back. Sweet read eh? Glad you downloaded it aren't you? Gunna listen to momma Cara from now on, right? ;)


So let me continue... Maja's magical harp is damaged, and the mystery builds as we try to figure out who did it and why. Magical doesn't quite cut it though, this harp is one powerful little instrument when used by the right person. Here's a bit more info on Pike the harp:

    "Well, my little Nordic witch, let me let you in on a little secret.  It isn’t just the playing of your precious Pike that starts the war, but WHAT you play on it.  While you’ve been banging out cheap imitations of 80’s love ballads and 90’s grunge rock on these precious strings, we’ve been honing our talents at perfecting the Songs of the Dead, which will split the world in two
if played upon an instrument of magical inclinations."

So you see how losing the harp has major potential for some disastrous consequences.
But this has left me with one small problem K... (Pun intended). Is there a sequel? Can I read it now? How about now? What's going to happen next with Maja, Nick, Luka, and... well.... you know (Hugh?!) I may have to call you personally and find out! I will not give away the ending or what happened, but I will say that it has left us with a few holes that need to be filled with juicy pieces of long descriptive narrative. The sooner they can be filled the better (you knew this was gunna turn dirty at some point).

As I sign off I'll leave you with one last quote from the book, I hope it resonates with you as it did with me:

                                                     “Trust me, my grand-daughter, the shaman
                                        singer,” said Aiti, “Every end is only a beginning in disguise.”
  

This book is a tough one for me to write a review about. It's like the number one selling book for how many weeks (years?) now? People friggin love this book and I'm torn between being completely honest and showing a bit of restraint to appease all your sensitive egos (wink wink). But after some serious consideration -after a beer actually- I have decided to fuck the masses! Wait, that came out wrong.... What I meant is, I'm going to be honest, despite the potential negative backlash (I can handle a light spanking though, if you choose to punish me... ).

So here it goes.... Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen is a good book, not great, not a "read again" book, but worth the read... *Wince* Are you gunna hit me now?
Please let me explain. I really enjoyed learning about the old school circus and the terrible lives of those stuck in that lifestyle: poor, starving, desperate and angry. The main character, Jacob, is a sad case. His story is gut-wrenching (really) so kudos to Sara for the development of his character. I also LOVED all the interaction and vivid description of the animals. There were times when I was reading with clenched fists ready to punch someone in the fucking head in anger over the animal abuse. However, Jacob and Marlena's compassion for the animals balanced out the abuse and calmed my homicidal rage a bit at least. Here is a lovely quote from Jacob about his devotion to the circus animals:

"It's impossible to describe how tenderly I suddenly feel towards them - hyenas, camels, and all. Even the polar bear, who sits on his backside chewing his four-inch claws with his four-inch teeth. A love for these animals wells up in me suddenly, a flash flood, and there it is, solid as an obelisk and viscous as water... There is no question that I am the only thing standing between them and the business practices of August and Uncle Al, and what my father would do- what my father would want me to do- is look after them, and I am filled with that absolute and unwavering conviction."

That made me warm and tingly inside, as I feel the same way towards all animals. And without giving away too many details to those of you that haven't had the opportunity to read it yet, the ending of the book makes you love Jacob even more! I have to admit that the image of Robert Pattinson as Jacob (not Twilight Jacob *wink*) may have raised him from 'like a lot' to 'love' in my mind.... and heart? (please forgive me).     

So, before I start into what I didn't like, I'd just like to say to you all- read this book. I'm serious.When else will you have the chance to escape into world of a 1930's travelling circus?! Travelling on a train even, with a midget! This book provides wonderful details into a world that non of us will ever see.

But, it just wouldn't be right of me to leave out some of the things that ticked me off. The main offender was the emotional connection between Jacob and Marlena- or lack there of. I didn't really get it. I guess the book was missing that internal dialogue from Jacob's perspective that would have provided the reader with some insight into WHY he felt so attracted to her. I mean yes, they both liked animals, and yes, they were both attractive but, really? I would have loved more dialogue between the two of them about their feelings for each other, to get some idea why they had such a strong connection. I wanted to want them to get together, but in the end I didn't really care. I imagine that the movie has spent more time building their relationship and showing how they grew so fond of one another that they would risk their fucking lives for each other! 

Also, and this may be due to my borderline obsession with creatures that go bump in the night, I found myself bored on more than one occasion. Like as I was reading on the train I was actually noticing what was going on around me- that's never a good sign. I don't think it was the writing style, the characters or even the flash-back-and-forth-between-the-past-and-the-present thing that was the problem. I think it was just the plot. Not enough action? Not enough sex, violence, drugs? I haven't quite been able to put my finger on it, but it might be that it was just too PG for this clearly desensitized, blood loving book slut.

Finally, I was delighted with the ending. It was fantastic. I love books that end well, even if it's the same old story where the bad guys lose and the good guys win. But more importantly, how often do the animals in a book or movie find peace and happiness? Not often. So I my raging inner animal activist was thoroughly satisfied when the animals (some, but not all unfortunately) had their happy ending too. *fist pump*

So congrats Sara Gruen. You wrote a good book and now you're a bazillionaire making movies with big stars. I will not be watching the movie despite my minor (major) obsession with Robert Pattinson. Instead of listening to the fucking message of the book, that using animals for human entertainment is BAD (abuse and such), the producers decided to use live animals in filming. So, I have a message for you money grubbing bastards: fuck you. Animals are not for our entertainment. And if I had a bull hook so help me god I would not be using it on animals...

Ok, so that's enough outta me. Get the book. Read it. Don't go see the movie.

Peace.

I'm still feeling the aftershocks from this book. You know, the aftershocks- when you put a book down and you have goosebumps on your arms and legs, and there's that internal shudder of satisfaction and the final release of tension that had built up as the pages became fewer and fewer towards the end of the book. Aftershocks, the physical proof that a book just rocked my world!

With that intro, I'm sure you've realized that I love this book. It's sexy with a story line, imagine that. If, when you close your eyes at night, visions of spanking, bondage and slave play dance in your head, then I recommend you read this book. Actually, what am I thinking? ...you probably already have this book. So, those of you thinking that you may like a little swat on the bottom, this is the book for you. It's graphic, but not raunchy. It's sexy, but not slutty. It's geniusly written and easily devoured. Pre-born-again-Christian  Anne Rice is the BEST (and her post-Christianity self is pretty badass too and her views on Christianity are dead on).

The main character, Lisa, is the founder and head mistress at The Club- a very (very very very) exclusive island resort for those wanting to live out their dom/sub fantasies. But when she falls in love with Elliott, her submissive, things get messy as she fights with her emotions, and struggles with the delicate balance between her work and personal life. This sounds kinda boring (cliche?) but believe me when I say that shit gets crazy. But what I really liked about this book was how fluid everyone's sexuality is. There's no drama: girls like girls and boys like boys and girls like boys and girls and every combination in between. Love is love and sex is sex. Whatever the motivation, all are excepted. If only real life could be that accepting. Here is an amazing quote from the book:

"You know, Lisa, very few of us anymore get through life without a dramatic bid for freedom. That dramatic bid is the hallmark of our times. But most of us never really reach our goal. We get stuck halfway between the morass of myth and morality we left behind and the utopia on which we've set our sights. That's where you are, stuck between that dismal, repressive Catholic morality you came from and the vision of a world in which no form of love is a sin."

*heart flutter*

Can't we all just get along? lol, but seriously, I fucking love that quote and that is my vision of (for) the world too. So, I give Anne Rice's Exit to Eden two enthusiastic thumbs up! One thumb for its sexy, delicious pages and the other for letting me live in this beautifully accepting world, only if it lasted 377 pages.

xx Cara

Ps. Are you familiar with The Sleeping Beauty Chronicles? Did you know Anne Rice has 2 pseudonyms and writes the most damn sexy books ever under them: Anne Rampling and A. N. Roquelaure? I really strongly urge you to find these books and rub them all over your body... oh, and read them ;) 

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

If you have been to the Our Favorites section above, you already know how I feel about this book. This book is one of the most interesting and hilarious books that I've ever read (the whole series actually). I've had a hard time writing this review as I just don't even know where to start! So, I've decided to skip the "I think this, I think that" bullshit and get right to the parts that made me pee myself when I read them. Below are some crazy new vocabulary from the book and my favorite laugh out loud quotes.

VOCAB
Sozzed, Diodes, Niggly, Myxomatosis, fjords? Don't ask me what they mean.

QUOTES:
CH 1

"Some factual information for you. Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?"
"How much?" said Arthur.
"None at all" said Mr Prosser...

CH 6
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindbogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument goes something like this:

"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."

"But," says Man," The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED."

"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.


Arthur grabbed hold of it and tried to stop his hands shaking. He pressed the entry for the relevant page. The screen flashed and swirled and resolved into a page of print. Arthur stared at it.
"It doesn't have an entry!" he burst out.
Ford looked over his shoulder.
"Yes it does," he said, "down there, see at the bottom of the screen, just under Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6."
Arthur followed Ford's finger, and saw where it was pointing. For a moment it still didn't register, then his mind nearly blew up.
"What? Harmless? Is that all it's got to say? Harmless! One word!"
Ford shrugged.
"Well, there are a hundred billion stars in the Galaxy, and only a limited amount of space in the book's microprocessors," he said, "and no one knew much about the Earth of course."
"Well for God's sake I hope you managed to rectify that a bit."
"Oh yes, well I managed to transmit a new entry off to the editor. He had to trim it a bit, but it's still an improvement."
"And what does it say now?" asked Arthur.
"Mostly harmless," admitted Ford with a slightly embarrassed cough.
"Mostly harmless!" shouted Arthur.
CH 9

"Haaaauuurrgghhh ..." said Arthur as he felt his body softening and bending in unusual directions.
"Southend seems to be melting away ... the stars are swirling ... a dustbowl ... my legs are drifting off into the sunset ... my left arm's come off too."
A frightening thought struck him: "Hell," he said, "how am I going to operate my digital watch now?"
He wound his eyes desperately around in Ford's direction.

CH 11

Marvin regarded it with cold loathing whilst his logic circuits chattered with disgust and tinkered with the concept of directing physical violence against it. Further circuits cut in saying, Why bother? What's the point? Nothing is worth getting involved in. Further circuits amused themselves by analysing the molecular components of the door, and the humanoids' brain cells. For a quick encore they measured the level of hydrogen emissions in the surrounding cubic parsec of space and then shut down again in boredom. A spasm of despair shook the robot's body as he turned.
'Come on,' he droned, 'I've been ordered to take you down to the bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? 'Cos I don't.'

CH 18
I left out the entire Whale/Petunias part here, as we've all read it a million times and know exactly how witty it is. If you don't remember and need a refresher, click here.
CH 19
"Nuts to your white mice," he said.

CH 25
"Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff"  - Deep Thought.


And with that, I sign off. I managed to pick up the rest of the series at a recent book sale so I am looking forward to rediscovering them again. If you have just to read this book, or the series, I recommend you do. I have met people who do not like the book or find it funny (KAT! tsk tsk ;)  but I suggest you give it a go, it's worth the risk. Toodles.

So, as you can see we have a new sparkly website that we hope will be a little more interactive for all you booklovers out there. Feel free to let me know how much you love or hate my reviews. I totally understand that the internet is a harsh bitch mistress and am therefore armed with a thick skin, dark sunglasses and earmuffs to endure the harshest critics. But seriously, it's all good, so welcome, and glad you're here!