March 25, 2012
Fueling Her Fire - Piper Trace
 9/10 

This gem of a novelette is a delicious 69 pages of steamy narrative. The main character is a woman named Kip, who is successful in life but not in love. Her fantasies all centre around an old flame named Dylan who took her virginity and then spread the story around their high school. Nothing like "whore" being yelled at you during your valedictorian speech to ruin any fond memories you may have had of your senior school years. Despite her resentment of him she still uses the blue eyed hunk of man meat as lead male in her solo love sessions…eight years later. Chapter one ends beautifully with an intense masturbation scene in an SUV. Here's a little glimpse:

"To hell with hesitation! She’d wriggle out from under him and demand that he get naked, now. No, in fact, she’d peel his clothes off under the Christmas tree herself, like a kid on Christmas morning hyped up on cocoa and candy canes. Kip hadn’t been fucked—really fucked—like she’d wanted it in a long, long time. And, damn it, this was her fantasy and Dylan would be lucky if he got out it without suffering from exhaustion. He owed her."

She actually pulls over in a snow storm to rub one out on her way to her family's cabin for Christmas. She's spending Christmas there alone with her pink dildo, to drink wine, eat comfort food and diddle in peace. That's self-pleasuring dedication (I love this woman). After buying a Christmas tree and getting set up she realizes that she has no firewood and desperately tries to find someone in town who will deliver on Christmas Eve in a blizzard… and then the fun begins. 

SPOILER ALERT!


The cabin is located in Dalton Run where she went to high school, so of course the rugged plaid-wearing hunk who knocks on her door is none other than Dylan. He's sexy, single and has quite the sassy mouth on him. The truth about the past is revealed, and without giving away any of the drama that unfolds I will end with the last line of the book- possibly the best closing line ever: 

"She sucked him until his hard length was slick with her saliva and then climbed on top of him and rode him to her first of many orgasms that Christmas day." 

Xx Thanks @PiperTrace. Looking forward to more from you! 

March 10, 2012 
Four D - Gregory Morrison
6/10

Well, this has never happened to me before. I am confused as hell, which doesn't feel totally bad, but I also feel like I've read a book I'm not intelligent enough to understand. It's exactly how I felt after watching the movie Donnie Darko….

..confusion mixed with the overwhelming feeling that I was so close to grasping a concept so profound but that my feeble mind couldn't/wouldn't be able to fully absorb its true meaning. 

It's like waking up from a dream so vivid that it takes you a moment to realize that you are awake, and when you focus on the details they make just enough sense that you get goosebumps but not enough sense that your conscious mind can unravel the overall meaning. This explains exactly how I feel right now. 

Now this sounds bad, but I'm not sure it is. 

The first chapter of Four D is a complete mystery to me. It almost put me into an early grave, I kid you not I almost didn't make it through. It was like reading the thoughts of a crazy person. Here is one example (verbatim) from the chapter : 

She changed her underwear and pulled her hear back with a hair band. “Are you resisting?” “It’s my imagination.” I took her bra off, and her breasts hung over my face. I blushed; somebody was thinking of me. It had been two hours already, and she was still hungry for my love. “You’ve aged so much.” I was surprised to hear that from her. “What did you expect?” Space. “Me? Nothing!” and then she asked. “Where were you today?” “I don’t remember. At work, went to visit my mom.” “Sometimes I’m jealous too!” That was something new. “Now we are alike!” Space pushed me. Forget it! Don’t listen to her. “Do you think I don’t get emotional?” “I love you, and that’s enough for me.” Somehow, she quickly changed her mood. Only girls can do that. “Shall we go on?” “Hold me tight!” Only with her can I read books; it’s so wonderful.

But I realized that the story must become clearer as I read on…

There are four chapters to this book with four different stories. Some stories seem like they may be interconnected but I couldn't tell you for sure. It got easier to read from the second chapter and even my simple mind could pull meaning from the stories. I took a pile of notes and quotes and had prepared to explain my interpretation of the inner workings of the book, its characters and its potential message but I have decided against this for a few different reasons. Mostly, that after several failed attempts I have admitted defeat and realized that I am here to write a "review" (and I use quotes because I am not convinced that this is actually a review) and not the psychology behind the meaning of the book. Also,  I would have a better chance at describing fog, the meaning of life,  or why some people insist on cutting in on a bus cue instead of waiting in line like everyone else…

You may be surprised that I am recommending that you read this book. You will just have to read it to understand (or not). It's a chaotic mess of fucked up people, keys, sexy women, nature, multiple personalities, blow, manipulation, death, shadows, destruction, love and the number four. Utter madness and confusion mask fleeting moments of clarity. Psych students wanting to stroke their own egos will be tickled analyzing this book. For the rest of us, we may have to go to bed wondering what the fuck, and later come to the realization that we read someone's worst nightmare. One can only hope that Mr. Morrison will come out with an annotated version.  

My advice? Be patient.  I was, and in the end I am glad I read it. 


Here are some quotes from the book: 

“It figures!” I was thinking aloud. “The first room...the dark room...hallway. The yellow room... bedroom. Next to it was the sitting room! And the mirror room, the bathroom and the kitchen!”

"It said that scientists had proved the human brain was divided into four parts and not two as previously believed. This discovery was called 'Four Rooms.'"

"You died just in your dream! Understand this: you die twice. The first time in your dream and you come alive in your real life. The second time you die here, and that’s for real. The end of the dream—the beginning of life, the end of life, and the beginning of the endless dream.”

“Remember—this is very important, it is a big secret!—everything in life you have to do by yourself!”

"She opened her eyes wide, stretched her arms in front of her, and, having jumped up, pronounced several incomprehensible words. Big, brown sweet cherries started to fall out of her dark eyes; their number grew bigger and bigger, so that she couldn’t hold them in her hands…. However, as soon as I had finished, she immediately opened her mouth broadly, and I saw her pull- ing a pear out of it. 'This is for you. See, I can bear fruit too.' I felt a firm and juicy pear in my hands."

Just some of the quotes referencing the number four: 

He pulled out the right disk and put it in the player. He selected song number four.

“Okay, that’s sorted then. He’ll be here around four; let’s meet outside,” he confirmed with Linda.

The rest of the time, he walked back and forth in the office, killing time.

They went outside. There were four company cars by the entrance.

He felt very peaceful and comfortable deep inside; he saw the world through pink glasses, not boring at all, and it took just four days.

Number four doesn’t belong to anyone and is not considered important. That’s why people like parks so much.” She said.

Jan 18, 2012 - February 10, 2012

8/10

I love romance books. You always know what you are going to get; the delicious internal struggles of an awkward woman and rugged man who fight and doubt their burning passions for one another until they both snap and rip each other's clothes off. Throw in a dash of plot, a pinch of insecurity, a cup of sexual tension and stir in meddling families, physical danger and, of course, boners and you've got yourself a romance. 

The Other Guy's Bride had all of the above romance-book qualities with a historical and exotic flare. The plot is rich and well developed… that's right, a romance with a plot! Ginesse Braxton, the awkward, stubborn, accident prone but very intelligent protagonist comes from a long line of famous Egyptologists. The story unfolds on her way to Egypt to find the lost city of Zerzura. She steals a woman's identity to gain an escort across the desert to discover the legend and hopefully make a name for herself based on her achievements and not her family background. Her escort, of course, is dangerous and handsome and almost hopelessly damaged. Their relationship is built on lies from the start, I mean the title tells us the dilemma: The Other Guy's Bride. Jim Owens, our yummy half American escort, believes that Ginesse is actually Mildred Whimpelhall who he was entrusted to bring back to her fiancé, and major ass, Lord Pomfrey. If Ginesse tells Jim the truth about her identity  she risks losing her guide and the professional discovery of a lifetime. Jim is not the most honest cat either. Jim, or should I say Duke of Avandale, has a long history that he is also not sharing. But we all know what happens when you stick two seemingly opposite people in the dessert, alone, surrounded by danger of all kinds: love…. and sex. And man is it fun to read about! 

Here is what I loved about this book (SPOILERS):  

The chapters alternate between his and her perspective of the unfolding events. I friggin loved this because as I was reading about her thoughts I was anxious to get to the next chapter to read his version of the events. 

Egypt and Arabic and camels = awesome. It made for an exotic and interesting setting. Well done.

Throwing the brother in there at the end added a new dynamic to the story. We all knew Jim would regain his title as Duke but I did not anticipate them battling for her love. It was hard, no impossible, for me to feel sorry for Jock, even though he travelled across the world to reunite with her. I was too emotionally invested in Jim and Ginesse at that point to give any kind of shit about Jock… 

Um, sex in a cave with a life threatening sandstorm banging the door down? Hells yes! 

And finally, and this may sounds just bizarre, is RAMROD. This may give you all a glimpse into my never-ending immaturity and so be it. Enjoy: 

My Third-World Girlfriend - RJ Silver 
I'm always happy when I read a second book by an author that I enjoy as much as the first. This is not a naughty fairytale remake, but it is as funny as The Princess and the Penis. I was laughing out loud while I was reading, plus the ending was a total shock. 

Payback is a filthy bitch! 

When I read the cover of the book I was thinking there would be a paranormal kick to the story line, but the title is quite literal. The relationship-challenged protagonist quits his job to move to Thailand to bang and exploit hot young women after overhearing a random conversation at Heathrow airport. A group of three jaded bachelors take him under their wing and the foursome hits the Thai streets to "sow their wild oats" around the local bars. We learn about past relationships: wine bottles, tire irons and yams to the head. New love blossoms amidst concrete sidewalks and vomit. A tempest of feminine rage creates havoc on the streets and seas, changing the lives of everyone involved. Sounds heavy and the underlying message is, but trust me when I say the banter is witty as hell. Fazis? Festapo? You want to know who they are, trust me. 

Here are some of my favourite lines, (the ones that don't give away too much):

"…next thing i knew, my lips pressed down on hers, sending an electrical charge through me far more intense than any of the times I've been tasered."

"I ain't seen nothin' like that since the ex-wife caught me polishin' the maid."

"We made love for many minutes at a time, once reaching the mythical half-hour mark." 


This quote totally reminded me of The Lonely Island skit about premature ejaculation:

You can find a list of RJ Silvers books HERE. Check it out and purchase a story or three! 

Xx C 

Finally a fairy tale for grown ups. Want a good bedtime story that will make you laugh with wet panties? This is the book for you. With 39 pages The Princess and the Penis is the perfect length (ahem) for you to read in bed before you tuck yourself in. It has a familiar story line: a beautiful, kind and vurtuous princess, an overprotective father and a gigantic phantom penis… wait, what? Yep, you heard me. This is more than your knight-in-shining-armour fairy tale. With chapter titles like A Lump in the Rump, The Phantom Phallus and The Wacky Wizard, this book is hilarious and saucy from start to finish. I actually laughed out loud as I read. A very witty take on an old fashioned story that would make your grandma blush. 

If you needed more convincing (silly you) here are some clever, saucy lines from the story- think double entendre: 
"They can be quite slippery when they want" 
"… I have a feeling matters will soon come to a head" 
"It's no longer just a lump… the more I felt it, the more it grew, until it assumed a most peculiar shape." 

Oh there are so many more, but I really want you to just buy and read it so I won't give anything away. 

XxC 

My next book is another RJ Silver book: My Third-World Girlfriend.

Sigh, where the hell have I been? I'd like to know the answer to this question too actually. You know when Life comes knocking on your door and when you open it all that's there is a steaming pile of shit....? Well that is where I'm at at the moment. On top of it all my computer died, or commited suicide, I'm not really sure which.
So now that I am (sort of) back in the game you should expect to see more of me. I should be hooked up with a computer by the new year and if not at least by mid January.

Thanks for your patience!

Xx C

So, we have finally got off our asses and created our Reading List. It's dauntingly LONG but we are hella excited about every book on this list. Books are listed by submission date, meaning that the books at the top of my list were sent to us first, and the books near the end more recently.
If your book is on this list it means that we have a copy of your book on our Kobos and it's just waiting for us to have to time to crack it open! Unfortunately, we both have  very full time jobs and until the day that we are able to do this delicious book stuff full time, we are left reading on trains and writing in the bath after the gym.... Thank you for your patience!
Much Love Xx C

1. Two Fisted Tweets - James Hutchings

2. In Her Name: Empire - Michael R. Hicks

3. Destiny United - Leia Shaw

4. The Pitchfork Diaries - Jake Bannerman

5. The New Death and Others - James Hutchings

6. The Prodigal Hour - Will Entrekin

7. The Princess and the Penis - RJ Silver

8. My Third World Girlfriend - RJ Silver

9. Secrets in the Sand - Alana Lorens

10. Devil's Creek - Paul Maitrejean

11. The Lost Diaries of John Smith - Phillip Rhodes

12. Destiny United - Leia Shaw

13. The Other Guy's Bride - Connie Brockway

14. The Good Humor Man - Andrew Fox

15. Forest of Shadows - Hunter Shea

Dead of Winter- Brian Moreland

I read all 491 pages of this book in 2.5 days. Admittedly, I found the length a bit daunting at first but it didn’t drag on or become boring. It’s a fantastic book that combines many of my favorite things: violent shape-shifting blood sucking gut eating invisible-ish monsters, violence, massive amounts of suspense, a killer back story and native lore. I loved it. Actually, I couldn’t get through the last half of the book fast enough! The “what the fuck is it-s” and the “holy shit what’s happening next-s” kept me so enthralled that I couldn’t put the book down. The whole time I read it I had the most vivid images in my head of the characters and scenes.

This book needs to be made into a movie- I’ve seen the whole thing in my mind already and it is fantassssstic. Now someone start preparing the set and firing up the computers to hammer out all the CG shit, or whatever the movie people do. I’m thinking M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village but with REAL monsters. There are so many scenes that I am DYING to see on the big screen: the rats and crows forming the body of the demon, when Willow’s face shifts into Beth’s just to fuck with Tom, or how people's bodies morphed and grew when they were infected. OMG, or the scene with Father Xavier and Gustave in his cell!  So. Fucking. Cool.

Ok, here is one of the coolest scenes in the book. Read and you’ll totally understand:


“Let the boy go!” Tom yelled.

The she-beast released a maniacal cackle and then bit into her son’s neck, wrenching out his throat. She dropped the child and charged towards the front of the nave, bounding on hands and feet towards Tom and Pendleton.

“Kill her!” yelled the chief factor as he dashed into a confessional closet.

Tim gripped the barrel of his shotgun and swung, cracking the woman’s jaw. She lurched again. He struck her head, hammering down repeatedly, bludgeoning her face. Her nose shattered. Her forehead caved inward, crushing her eye sockets. The white eyes popped. The infected woman clawed blindly at Tom. Her too-wide mouth kept laughing with a maddening, witch’s cackle. He moved behind the now-blind woman, pressed the barrel to the back of her head, and pulled the trigger. Her face blew outward. She fell to her knees as if kneeling for communion, her entire face an open, dripping maw. The laughter finally stopped. Tom kicked her with a boot, and she fell forward against the stage."


…… aaaaweeeeesome, right?! Get this book right now, read it and enjoy. I did.

Xx Cara