Feb 6 - Feb 9, 2012

Blood Road
Edo Van Belkom
Horror
Published 2004
317 pages

9.5/10

  Hitchhiking across Canada just become even more dangerous, because there's a trucker out there who will do some bad BAD things to you before he kills you... and he's had a lot of time to hone his craft.  So if you're a pretty young thing trying to get away from a bad situation at home like Amanda Peck, consider saving up for a Greyhound ticket before you throw caution to the wind and decide to stand on the side of the road with your thumb out...

  This had all the makings of a pulp horror novel - an evil monster, a helpless victim, an asshole of a boyfriend, a likable gumshoe detective determined to crack the case, all wrapped up in an innocuous paperback with a pun on the cover.  But I hesitate to call this pulp, because it was too damn good, and too damn surprising to entirely fit into that category.  The evil monster (while horrifying) is also nearly pathetic; the helpless victim doesn't wait around to be rescued and takes matters into her own hands; the asshole decides to get his shit together; the gumshoe... well, he's still that, but he's likable because he's written well, not because he's some clumsy Clouseau-esque inspector simply penciled in for a laugh. 

  As for the pun on the cover, well, I fucking love puns.  Shoot me.
  Really, it was an enjoyable read.  When I was certain I had the plot figured out (and wondered how the hell the author was going to drag the book out for another 150 pages) shit went haywire and the story moved along in a totally new (but totally plausible) direction, which is a huge plus in my books because it takes a lot to hold my interest, and I get bored pretty easily.  I'm the proverbial tough critic, and you've got to be on point to keep me from heckling you like an asshole. 

  The best part about this book was that it was SURPRISING.  Good surprising.  Not The Crying Game surprising.  While our lady protagonist was enough of a stereotype to get herself into such a massively shitty situation, she turned out to be badass enough to deal with it, and her evolution as a character warmed the jaded cockles of my heart.  You get stereotypes in pulp - you get evolution in literature.  Really, Amanda Peck is pretty fuckin' awesome, and unquestionable my favorite character, though the crusty mess that is our antagonist comes in at a close second.  He's nasty in appearance and nastier in personality, disgustingly gross but disgustingly powerful.  Much like a traumatized hobo living on the edge of a nuclear power plant in Chernobyl.
  Sure, there were a few persnickety bits that irked me; certain wording in a sentence here and there, calling semen "seed".  That's all personal preference though, and the author couldn't have foreseen that the term "seed" will forever and always immediately catapult me to THIS:    

  More than anything though, this book was FUN.  Likable characters, excitement, action, surprises; all these elements make for an enjoyable read that you can't wait to get back to, and Blood Road had all of it.  There was an excellent balance between Pulp (humor, stereotypes, blood and gore) and Damn-Good-Reading (couldn't put the goddamn thing down).  Even the ending was a perfect fit.  Really, it might have been the best part, and there were a LOT of good parts.
  So go out, find Blood Road, read the fuck out of it, and thank me after.  I am fully willing to accept Nicholas Cage memorabilia in place of gratitude, by the way. 
  No, really.

Jan 25 - Jan 30, 2012

Lothaire
Kresley Cole
Paranormal Romance
Published Jan 2012
468 pages

9/10

  Lothaire, Enemy of Old, is a mad Vampire of Royal lineage - he's kicking ass and taking names (in his ancient ledger of Blood Debts) and is hell bent on taking control of the Vampire Kingdoms... by force.  Elizabeth Peirce is a foxy backwoods piece who, unfortunately, is possessed by the spirit of the homicidal goddess Saroya and has landed on Death Row.  Lothaire intends to wed Saroya in Elizabeth's body, once he gets rid of her pesky soul.  But Lothaire begins to feel conflicted in his plans, because Elizabeth makes him all kinds of hot in all his lusty (and well-endowed) Vampire parts, and Soaroya... well, Saroya only has one thing on her mind and it's a lot more decapitations and a lot less lovin'...

  I'll level with you - this is the first adult paranormal romance I've ever read.  Really, the only one I've ever read, if you don't count Twilight (which I'm sure most people wouldn't).  But Simon & Schuster sent me this book at the beginning of the month, and I figured I could use a break from my usual fare (zombies); so what better way to start than with some random book from the post office?
  From what I could gather, there was a whole slew of other books from this particular Universe, but I didn't feel like an uneducated asshole for not having read them; instead there were allusions to other characters and plots (as opposed to referencing things mysteriously and adding footnotes like *Buy book 5 for the explanation!*) that seemed... pretty interesting, actually. 
  This book was super easy to read; every character was individual and well developed with their own back story (another reason why I'll read more from this series) and the Universe itself was badass - there were so many types of supernatural creatures with different legends and it all comes across as really new and exciting.
  Lothaire as a character was fun to read about; he's ridiculously handsome, rich beyond measure, violent, mentally imbalanced, and completely sex crazed.  My kind of dude.  Elizabeth was kind of standard romance fare (I have read a couple of historical romances in my time): spunky, unpredictable, and a babe.  She seemed a little stereotypical at first; stay strong, keep it together, don't cry out loud...

  Sorry, couldn't resist.  Any time I can work a reference from that movie into my life, I will. 
  Anyways, Elizabeth evolved from from that kind of well-done sticht, and definitely grew on me.  She definitely put that badass in... badass a time or two.  The other characters were a neat mix of old-timey traditional and uber modern Valley/Hipster/Punk.  Another neat take on things (the mixing of mediums, as it were) and another reason why I want to read more of these.
  As for the sex and violence?  Lots of sex, and not a shit load of violence, but it all worked for me.  The sex was nice and graphic (and bizarre at times, which is a plus) and there was just enough violence to keep my interest piqued and the action moving along.  I say this as a hardcore horror junkie (Just put it in my veins!) but nice, normal readers my find it all pretty intense. 
  There was a weird spot towards the end where I was expecting everything to work out, while instead it got pretty messy (severed fingers and shriveled hearts, anyone?) where I was a little wigged out (My first time reading a proper Paranormal Romance and it deviated from the formula?  What?!) but everything came together pretty dang well, in my opinion.  For the most part.
  I really liked that, at the end, while the book did wrap itself up in more specific terms (majority of major conflicts resolved, etc.) it ended in such a way that there was an opening left for another book, which I'd love to read. 
  Kresley Cole did a good job - great characters, well developed Universe, lots of dirty nasty sex, and she's funny, which made this book a lot of fun.  And that's what reading is supposed to be (at least some of the time) right? 
  Honestly, I think I found a new favorite author, but check back with me after I've read a few more...

May 3 - May 12, 2011

A Discovery of Witches
Deborah Harkness
Paranormal Romance
Published 2011
579 pages

6.5/10

Despite the danger from opposing forces, a Vampire and a Witch fall in love.  OR  Two wieners make shit difficult for everyone because of conveniently ridiculous circumstances.

I've never really read paranormal romance; the paranormal is cool, but the romance is always too... mushy for me.  I mean, I have read the Twilight series, but in my defense, so have a billion other people.  And I'm totally willing to admit that I LOVED Twilight, but I assume that has something to do with Stephanie Meyers selling her soul to the Mormon Devil.
Now, after reading A Discovery of Witches, I've come to the conclusion that this book is pretty much Twilight, but with adult protagonists, and two swear words.  Does this sound familiar?  " 'There's a lot I don't understand about all this, Hamish, but there are three things I do know... I will not give into this craving for her blood.  I do not want to control her power.  And I certainly have no wish to make her a vampire.' "  That's kind of similar to Twilight's "About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."  Coincidence?  I think not.  Now throw in the fact that our overbearing vampire Matthew is waiting to go all the way with his beloved simpering Witch Diana, and you have some striking similarities.  I've already read Twilight; I don't need to do it again.
Another downfall is that the writing isn't that awesome.  I mean, it's generally written well enough, but there are some issues.  The pacing is brain-jarring.  The first half of the book is draggy as fuck, with little action or excitement.  The we read the second half, which is pretty much all action (and makes for way quicker reading) but it's all crammed in there with so many competing elements that it's hard to keep everything straight.  There has to be a happy medium between boring as hell and too much shit to comprehend properly!  Harkness also feels the need to go into every little friggin' detail about EVERYTHING.  Crusty old architecture (snooze) crusty old school history (snore) even the exacting process of putting on riding gear - "The vest was snug and hard - but it wasn't as bad as I expected.  The hat interfered with my ponytail, and I slid the elastic band lower to accommodate it before snapping the chin band together."  Really?  Is THAT how you put a hat on?  I had no idea!  I'm mesmerized!  Harkness also mentions Matthew's eyebrow "rising into the shape of a question mark" no less than three times, with nearly the same wording each time (and clearly Matthew has never had Botox, if he can do THAT with his face).
And when she describes Miriam's "flat black curls" I was totally confused.  How can a curl be flat?  Is Miriam made out of paper?  Is she the undead version of Flat Stanley?

Also, when Matthew says, "I don't want you near me when I'm angry." all I can think of is this guy -

I could have lived with all that lameness, if so much of it hadn't been so friggin' slow and uninteresting and I could find nothing else focus on.  Maybe the author was just trying to build up our emotional investment in the characters?
BTW, the characters mostly sucked (with the exception of Juliette, the insane vampire assassin).  Diana started out nervous and standoffish, and suddenly (literally, in the space of a paragraph) she this simpering idiot who literally has to be carried through most of the rest of the book and acts like a huge cunt to her family, all because she realizes she's in love with a Vampire.  In fact, an exchange between Diana and her aunt sums my feelings up perfectly - " 'You've known Matthew for a few weeks.  Yet you follow his orders so easily, and you were willing to die for him.  Surely you can see why Sarah is so concerned.  The Diana we've known all these years is gone.'  'I love him,' I said fiercely.  'And he loves me.'  Matthew's many secrets - the Knights of Lazarus, Juliette, even Marcus - I pushed to the side, along with my knowledge of his ferocious temper and his need to control everything and everyone around him."  That sounds EXACTLY like something a battered woman would say.  If some broad said that to me, I'd be all:

On the other hand, Matthew is pretty static.  He skulks around, keeps secrets, stalks Diana, gets all moody over previous lovers, and treats Diana like a child.  He says he loves her hair because "It's imperfect, just like life.  It's not like vampire hair, all polished and flawless."  He KILLS and SUCKS THE BLOOD OUT OF A DEER, and Diana's all, "Shush deer, he needs to kill you to show me how dangerous he really is.  Just go quietly, because this is really romantic, and I'm totally turned on right now."  The she kisses his bloody mouth, and compares her eating an egg sandwich to what he just did.  Maybe it's just because I'm a vegetarian, but I think that's gross.
But in all fairness, I was able to breeze through the latter portion of the book because it was just a bunch of action packed fluff.  I was able to just accept the flaws and just go with it, and I even kind of got lost in it for a bit, until way too much stuff started going on and I started to auto-pilot.  But I know that it's the first in a trilogy, and Harkness wants us to want to find out what's going to happen next, so I can't really blame her for leaving so many loose ends.
Really, I know this book is an epic.  It's long and involved, and has multiple plots that could go in just about any direction.  If it was horror, I'd totally be into it.  But it's not.  To me, it's a Twilight ripoff paranormal romance.  And I generally don't enjoy that kind of stuff.  But I can see how other people totally could.

Dec 9 - Dec 13 2010

Roses of Blood on Barbwire Vines
D.L. Snell
Horror
Published June 2007
256 pages

3/10

  The Zombie Apocalypse has descended upon the world (or at least our vaguely alluded to region) and the Vampires now have fierce competition for their diminishing human food source.  Who will prevail?  Zombies?  Vampires?  The weakest of the weak humans?!  Common sense would discard one of those options right off the bat...
  This book was so ridiculously over-complicated.  I have never seen so many metaphors and similes between a front and back cover in my life (including my overstuffed English 12 binder).  There was so little that actually "happened"... at least in the traditional sense.  Instead of writing, "She slipped into another state," we're bombarded with, "The red lightning cracked again, web lightning this time.  It netted the heavens, and in the nethers of space, an eight-legged shadow waited inside a black hole, watching with its nest of eyes.  When the lightning faded to vivid tracers, the shadow scuttled forward on the still glowing filliments of silk.  It sank its fangs into Shade's gray matter, and its scarlet poison liquefied everything inside her skull.  After sucking out the fluids, the arachnid returned to its lair.  Shade's consciousness went with it, simmering in the creature's belly, simmering in darkness unrefined."  Yeah.  Overcomplicated much? 
  And this... I don't even know what the fuck is going on here... "A moon leered down at him, empty eye sockets, lipless grin.  It was his reflection.  He was the moon.  Below him, black, silver-frothed waves lapped at a gray beach.  Two sets of footsteps disappeared on the horizon, one big, one small.  Salt lingered on the breeze, alchemized into blood."  I mean, he's hallucinating, right?  But what the fuck.  All I get from that is:

  Yes, The Moon (AKA "The Alabaster Retard" AKA "The Vanilla Rapist").  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click the damn moon.
  Also, The above passage reminds me that it's a highly inappropriate occasion to recall that Jesus poem about footprints in the sand (The footprints lead CSI Miami to the real killer right?  I assume it's still Colonel Mustard in the S&M den with the double ended dildo?  Isn't that how it goes?  Or am I thinking of Buttprints in the Sand?  Fuck).  See how all this pseudo-intellectual bullshit makes my mind wander?
  There was also some hella awkward sentences - "A pentagram swung pendulum from her neck."
  And some just plain senselessness - "Frost conferred with his squad, sub rosa in the downpour."
  So I hated the writing style.  Clearly.
  On top of that, the Zombies were hardly Zombies; more mutant regenerating cannibals than anything.  The Vampires were weaksauce in comparison, and were literally no match (by author design) for the Mu-Zombs.  So what I thought would be original turned out to be pretty tired and banal.
  There were also numerous loose ends (What happened to the torsos?  Who was the creepy one?  What was the real deal between Frost and Bain?  What was the real deal with Frost?) and nonsense (How could the aggressively mutating Mu-Zombs intersect every place BUT the escape route?)
  The final insult was the weepy weak-ass protagonist.  She got all teary-eyed and empathetic towards the humans, got all mushy and romanticized her subordinate AND her betrayer, and, really, just gave the fuck up for no discernible reason.  Either she was a shitty Vampire to begin with, or she evolved into one when the shit hit the fan.  To be honest, I'm with Bain on this one (and it's not often I take sides with the Nazi in the bunch).  I liked him; he was a psycho hardass who would have made a fine leader.
  Besides the assumed hating of non-Aryans, I mean.
  The only things going for this book were the sweet sweet pockets of gore.  A few times, I found myself put off my dried mango!  Now that's good gore.
  My verdict: Way less namby-pamby metaphorical observations, more abortion-vacuum-sucking tentacles.

Nov 13 - Nov 21, 2010

The Vampire Virus
Michael Romky
Horror
Published November 1997
304 pages

3/10

  An irresistibly attractive blonde scientist ventures into the jungles of Costa Rica to to hunt a mysterious virus which already killed the last broad who traveled out that way.  Also in the jungle?  Sexy emo Vampires and an Ivy Leaguer proficient in human sacrifice.
  Books teach us countless important things: Quantum Physics; the ABC's; how to macrame a nice plant hanger for that spider fern your aunt Bathsheba got you last winter, and other things of import.  This books contains another invaluable tidbit: IF YOUR PREDECESSOR (in this case, lone female working in the intellectual field) DIES MYSTERIOUSLY IN THE JUNGLE, IT IS NOT WORTH INVESTIGATING.  Thank God I read The Vampire Virus - I had really wanted to figure out for myself what happened to that that babe whose corpse just came back from Thailand with the mysterious virus that makes your own skin leap off and jump up your own ass.  I mean, this is our basic premise here.
  Epidemiologist Baily Harrison follows the steps of (dead) archeologist Janis Levy into the jungle to see what killed her.  There Baily meets smouldering Lazaro and musically-inclined Ludwig (oh man, I wonder where that could possibly be going), both equally mysterious, of course, and both of whom happen to fall in love with her.  Supposedly, there are also Vampires in this book, but other than some professed age and history, ninja-like skill, a few weak fang appearances, and one incident of rapid healing, there's barely any Vampirism at all.  I mean, the crazy guy kills more people than all the current Vampires put together, and he only kills two people, three at most.  In fact, there's very little in the way of savagery for a Vampire story set in the jungle.  Yeah, there was a pretty badass scene where a still-beating heart is ripped from the chest of a still live human being, but that was HALF A PAGE in a three hundred page book.  The rest was brooding Vampires contemplating good, evil, hate, and love.  Don Lazaro must have been the original Edward Cullen prototype because really, he was kind of a wiener.  All he wants is to be cured of being a Vampire, settle down with the good doctor, and maybe raise two-point-four kids in a nice villa.  What the hell.  If I was a Vampire, I'd be too busy being AWESOME with my IMMORTALITY AND IRRESISTIBLE CHARM , DRINKING BLOOD from SEXY BITCHES, and having sweet ORGIES OF THE DAMNED to be whining about love and moral contemplation.
  There was little action until close to the end of the book - it picked up a little, but not by much, and the action is, again, centered around the crazy dude, not the Vampires.  It was written well enough, but bordered on cheesy at times.  And may I mention that the logging of the rain forest is used as a positive to bring those silly backwards Indians and crusty old ruins into the bright glittering twentieth century?  FANTASTIC.
  I found this whole story to be pretty dull, without enough carnage or action for a Vampire story.  This story could have easily been about regular folks hunting for a cure for a deadly virus in the jungle, and it would have been pretty much the same.
  I hate to admit it, but this used to be one of my FAVORITE books when I was a kid.
  Some days I look back fondly at my childish literature choices, and some days I'm just quietly ashamed.