Jan 19 - Jan 24, 2012

Zone One
Colson Whitehead
Horror
Published 2011
259 pages

8/10

  The Zombie Plague has ripped through the nation, but the survivors are beginning to pick up the pieces; a tentative government has been established, rules are being put into place, and trained teams of volunteers are clearing out the undead, section by section.  As Mark Spitz exterminates the stragglers, the horror of the past and the horror of the present create a pervasive static trauma, but he's well prepared when the shit REALLY hits the fan...

  I don't know how to feel about Zone One; it's a unique take on the zombie novel, terrifically intellectual and quite unlike anything I've read before. 
  This is the first zombie novel I've read that focuses on the AFTERMATH of the living dead apocalypse - the slow treacherous rebuilding of society.  Truthfully, that's why I picked it up in the first place; who doesn't want to prepare themselves for their own eventual survival after the escape, the slaughter, and the small triumphs? 
  The fact that the author also brought up the mental and emotional effects of facing a zombie apocalypse was terrifically thoughtful and insightful.  Sure, other books have touched on the few crazies this or that character may have come across, but I kind of assume that ANY survivor would be a few cheese slices short of their tray of crackers after outrunning, outmaneuvering, and out-killing the living dead... and the living.  If you catch my drift.  Even our protagonist of Zone One was a leetle beet weeird and tough to follow at times, though this is chalked up to the trauma, and expertly so.
  But you know what else was hard to understand?  THE ENTIRE BOOK.
  Besides the fact that we zoned in and out of flashbacks without warning, and besides the fact that the protagonist did a fuck of a lot of thinking in his incredibly disjointed manner, and besides the fact that I needed my dictionary every page or so, it was just too... intellectual.  I mean, instead of splattering rotting brains to smithereens and rescuing enclaved survivors (we did do a little of that, but not much) we spent a lot of time in the head of Mark Spitz, with his incredibly intelligent (but incredibly obtuse) thoughts and feelings.
  This is a thinking man's zombie novel, but how many thinking men put down their Chaucer and pick up a contemporary undead horror book instead?  If I wanted to be entertained by thinking, I'd use my own freaky brain (or read an Oprah book) instead.  I read to escape the doldrums of my reality, not to step into the doldrums of someone else's.  
  So while it was good, and different, it's not what I expected or particularly in a zombie book.  But you can't argue with great writing, either.

Jan 10 - Jan 13, 2012

Day By Day Armageddon: Beyond Exile
J. L. Bourne
Horror
Published July 2010
249 pages

6.5/10

  Our hero is back, with more responsibility than ever.

  THE FUCK.  The first book in this series was definitely badass; while it seemed male-centric, the protagonist was fuckin' SMART, and I respected that.  NOW?  This book?  Buddy's transformed from clever survivalist with a military background to total military robot.  Really, he doesn't even seem human anymore.  He's completely detached from everything going on around him; even though he's got a hot survivor woman who wants a piece, she's relegated to being mentioned a few times in a couple of paragraphs.  Like I said, our protagonist is a robot.  No fun.
  On top of that, this book is so liberally encrusted with military terms that, half the time, I had no idea what the fuck I was reading about.  I'm not an idiot; I know the difference between a pistol and a shotgun, but an MP4 and an MP5?  Why?  What can't the author just focus on one?  Why does the protagonist have to have both in this book?   Does it really matter that he has the first, gets the second, and then debates between the two without really giving any pertinent info on either one?  Totally unnecessary.  And then they go into experimental weaponry and technology... I was totally lost and just ended up feeling ambivalent about it after a while.  You want to throw dozens of technical terms at me without even a goddamn diagram to help me?  Fine.  See this?

Now I'm I'm just skimming, dude.
  I felt like there were some really rad plot lines that were going to be developed; we got the first little bit of them, I got all excited about some real action, and then... NADA.  Maybe the author is saving the good stuff for his next book, but I don't think I'll be running out to the bookstore to get it.  You know what this book gets from me?  One of these:

Because it got my hopes up for another badass book, turned the protagonist into a robot, started to get into some seriously interesting plot lines and then left me hanging, and didn't even bother to refer me to Future Weapons so I could grasp at least an IDEA of what the fuck the author kept going on and on about.

Jan 6 - Jan 9, 2012

Day By Day Armageddon
J. L. Bourne
Horror
Published Sep 29, 2009   
263 pages

8/10

  A military man faces the Zombie Apocalypse, and must do whatever necessary to ensure the preservation of himself, and his soul.

  This is one of the first zombie books I've read where the human protagonist isn't a complete mess of an idiot. 
  This guy is a military man, intent on survival and actually possessing the skills to make it happen.  He knows how to handle guns, clear a room, fly a plane, and rescue others who aren't as adept at fending off the undead as himself.  He's willing to take risks I wouldn't (Rescue trapped survivors?  Well, those zombie hordes look mighty hungry, and my bunker here at Chapters is pretty cozy... maybe I'll just turn this radio off...) but this wasn't like most zombie books where I would find myself yelling, "Why are you leaving safety to look for your wife?!  She was trapped in the city 100 miles away when this whole thing went down 3 weeks ago!  You're going to get eaten, or lose friends who stupidly agree to go with you on this suicide mission, asshole!  In fact, I guarantee one will get bitten but hide it from all of you until the last minute, and then make an idiot 'Noble Sacrifice' to save you all, but most of you will die anyways, until there's no one left but you and possibly a sexy sidekick!  And your wife will probably be dead!  Or happy to see you, but that'll make things awkward for your sexy sidekick that you probably shared a kiss with after everyone else died.  Fuck.  This book sucks."  And though I probably just ruined every zombie book ever written out there (or ever will be written) you guys all know what I'm talking about.  In fact, our protagonist chose NOT to go looking for his parents, because he knew it would be suicide.  This is my kind of dude.  Yes, he did go looking for survivors, but based on logic and planning, not stupid love.
  Sure, the writing was a little under developed, the author repeated himself of occasion, and there were a fuckload of technical terms that meant little to me (I have never been in the military, after all) but it was such a quick easy read that all was forgiven.  I was too busy burning through this to really focus on the negative aspects, which is how a book should go.  If you're going to make a book draggy as fuck, make sure your writing skills are top-notch.  If you're new to writing and maybe have some bugs to work out, make it non-stop action so no one notices if your character thinks the same thought twice.
  Finally, a zombie book where I don't have to scream at it because the characters are idiots.  I'm sure that'll make my bus rides a lot less unnerving for the other passengers...

  Just imagine that nice little old lady is a book, and that'll be a pretty accurate representation of me reading most zombie novels.  For real.  Don't ride public transit.

Nov 25 - Nov 28, 2011

The Lost Diaries of John Smith
Phillip Rhodes
Sci-Fi
Published 2011
98 pages

4/10

  In 2014, a gargantuan fireball causes the demise of countless people and destroys 99-point-some-odd percent of electronics.  The cause of this?  Aliens (though they did it accidentally).  These aliens then very nicely force survivors (including the titular character, John Smith) to mine for a mysterious reason under dangerous conditions.  All this is told many years later via several secret diaries kept by John, and the young girl he saved back in 2014 who is trying to find him.

  Oy vey.  There's a possibility I could have liked this.

Really, the premise was decent - aliens who DON'T want to blow up/enslave/kill/cook human - how very novel!

  However, I couldn't get past several issues, both technical and... non-technical.
  First off, and most importantly: THE EDITING ERRORS!  Christ Almighty!  The MULTITUDE of editing errors!  Honestly, they got to be so prevalent that I started keeping a list (and it is by no means complete, I'm sure; I only started keeping it on page 8, and I left out anything that I wasn't 100% certain of):
Pages 8, 12, 17, 20, 27, 29, 42 (I started a little paper list here, instead of on my Kobo, because it was ridiculously distracting to close out of the book and open the sketchbook, but I managed to lose it, so I started another list on my Kobo) 54, 65, 67, 84, 88, 90, 92, 94, 95, 97...
  These pages all had some mistake or another.  Sometimes simple things like "...and that mean working for..."(p. 8) or "...he was right off course..."(p. 94) or "...the worse is not over..."(p. 12).  At first I thought I was dealing with past/present errors (mean, means, or meant?)  which is irritating enough, but then, I started finding stuff like THIS:
  "Today a small plague dedicated to the men is located as close as possible to the mine entrance."(p. 92)  A plague?  I'd love a plague dedicated to me!  Is the bubonic one taken?  Or how about locusts?  I know!  I'd like the plague that keeps sending me e-mails promising to add four inches to my penis!  I'm sure my husband would be delighted!
  Or how about THIS:
  "...but if someone young and inquisitive comes along demanding to know the truth, then sometimes we oblige with a few documents hand-delivered, albeit anomalously, because you deserved to know the truth."(p. 97)
  Firstly, can you see how the past/present thing is a little off-putting?  And I'm pretty sure having the words "anomalously" and "truth" in the same sentence is counter-productive.  I mean, he could have intended to use that word, but I'm fairly certain he meant to use 'anonymously' since they were talking about discretion and something that had to be covered up or else the government would find them.
  Seriously, you need to proof-read your shiz because you send it out into the internetz.

Oct 10 - Oct 25, 2011

Oryx and Crake
Margaret Atwood
Dystopian Future
Published 2003
443 pages

7.5/10

  A crusty weirdo recounts his recollection of the events leading up to the end of human civilization, while attempting to survive the current situation in which he is desperately trying to look after himself, as well as a beautiful race of super-humans.  Who don't actually seem to need his help, but he seems to like to feel important.   

  It's a tough thing, when you like the setting of a story, but not the main player - our protagonist, Jimmy AKA Snowman, is kind of an insufferable asshat, and almost wholly unlovable, in my approximation.  I say almost, because he loved his pet mutant rakunk and anyone who loves animals gets a point in my books, but that's it.  A point.  And really, that's all Jimmy gets from me.  He's desperate for approval, willing to compromise his ethics, treats women badly... do I need to continue, or can you take me at my word that I really just don't like him?
  As Snowman, he's somewhat changed, but not much for the better.  Clearly, he's insane.  He wears a bed sheet and sunglasses with one lens and sleeps in trees.  He's decided to make himself a sort of demi-God or go-between or what-have-you to a new race (that might possibly be the only substantial human-like race left) and chooses to deprive himself of their company and possible services.  OK, fine.  You don't want to feel like a burden of a weirdo, and you don't want to take advantage of them.  I can understand that.  It's a totally reasonable human reaction.  But since they seem to be doing just fine without him, why doesn't he go and make himself comfortable somewhere out in what seems to be THE ENTIRE ABANDONED PLANET.  UGH.  Maybe I'm just bitter and I daydream about the day that I'm the last person on the planet, and I can finally hole up in a Chapters and read for a hundred years until I'm a dried up sexy corpse.  I just don't get why you'd deprive yourself like that.  If he has such an affinity to these people, why doesn't he find a nice place nearby and visit them?  Why doesn't he ask for their help in building a proper shelter?  Why doesn't he do a billion things that I'm constantly asking him in my head (and sometimes out loud)?  Why why WHY?
  I think my problem is that I read The Year of the Flood, and was completely taken by Toby and Ren.  Not only were they strong female characters from lower-middle class backgrounds that I could totally root for, and not only did they accept their hardships, move on with their lives, and try to make the best of it, they stories were set in the "pleeblands" which was basically the ghetto, and I find that setting infinitely more interesting than the fancy suburbs where Jimmy lived.  I'll take fanatics, pimps, and grow-ops over... well, just about anything.
    I try not to let other books or movies influence the book that I'm reading, but in this case, I just couldn't help it.  Reading Oryx and Crake after reading The Year of the Flood is kind of like how I imagine watching Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark:

Followed by a viewing of the same movie, but told via correspondence through Indiana and his kindly grandfather, as they both sit in their nice houses in suburbia drinking lite beer.

  But while I was somewhat turned off by the protagonist and the setting, and therefore spent a lot of time dicking around and studiously avoiding reading this book, when I did actually pick it up, I enjoyed it more so than a fair few books, because Margaret Atwood writes like a motherbitch.  There's a certain flow that lets the reader just kind of zone out into the book, and I find her work an easy read; not because it's fluff (her stuff never is) but because you immediately sink in and find yourself totally enmeshed in the story.  No shitty grammatical and spelling errors, no glaring continuity issues, and no garbage dialogue.  She's pretty fuckin' dialed, that woman. 
  So it was a well written book, about an interesting subject, peopled with characters I didn't like, in a setting that bored me. 
  And still better than some of the bullshit I read. 

Oct 3 - Oct 9, 2011

The Year of the Flood
Margaret Atwood
Dystopian Future
Published 2009
434 pages

10/10

  The future has slowly but surely crept up upon us, and it is very bleak indeed.  There are far fewer animals and greenspace, life has exponentially grown more regimented and desensitized, and the shit is about to hit the fan...

  When I started reading this book, I was worried.  VERY worried. 
  First off, there were two narratives.  Two narratives means twice the amount of protagonists to remember, and half the time to bond with them - the risk runs high that I might just end up not giving a flying fuck about either one, unless expertly handled.  Secondly, the timeline wasn't linear - we jumped back and forth from present to past all willy-nilly, like a time machine piloted by Calvin and Hobbes: 

In cases such as these, there's a good possibility that I'll become confused and disoriented and, eventually, pissed off (not unlike crowds at sporting events in Vancouver *cough* Stanly Cup riots *cough*).  So yeah, mighty worried on my end when I started reading The Year of the Flood.
  Luckily, this is a Margaret Atwood book.
  So while I initially suffered some unusually crafted book jitters, I quickly became accustomed to the style and dove in full force.  And because it was slightly more complicated of a read, it felt all the more satisfying to read it.
  I was invested in both protagonists: Toby, because she was so complicated; I loved that she put out the outward appearance of being a supreme hardass to the other characters, but underneath it all she was as banged up a human being as the rest of us.  Ren, on the other hand, was naive and vulnerable and emotional; I could identify with her because she handled situations the same way I felt I would, and she was achingly human for all the world to see.  And yet you could see a lot of Toby in Ren, and Ren in Toby.  It was almost as though they were two different versions of the same character, which was really neat.
  Even the beginning of the chapters, where we were given a glimpse of the indoctrination of the Gardeners, was crucial because it gave us insight into the critical shaping of these women, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  And again, because they both spent so much time with the Gardeners, it helps to draw us to their similarities as opposed to their differences. 
  The future that The Year of the Flood described was hardly outlandish.  Gene splicing is growing by leaps and bounds as we speak, the gap between the rich and poor is becoming more and more pronounced (Gated communities and ghettos still exist) and I wouldn't be surprised if there was already a shady police force doling out justice as seen by the wealthy.  Oh, that does already exist?  I rest my case.  This book just takes all those elements and makes them more pronounced, and adds neat futuristic elements that make the read a little more realistic, in a way.  It IS the future, after all.  Of course there's going to be liobams!
  Did I mention there was a SeksMart?  Clandestine grow-ops?  Inward spiritual journeys fueled by magic mushrooms?  Christ on a cracker, Margaret Atwood is a rad lady.
  Honestly, I was dreading the end of this book, counting the dwindling pages and feeling kind of depressed that it was going to be over, because I liked it so much that I wanted more.  Luckily, I caught many a reference to Oryx and Crake, and I do happen to have a copy of that book kicking around...

Sep 26 - Sep 29, 2011

The Hole
Guy Burt
General Fiction
Published 1993
157 pages

7/10

  A group of (possibly sexy?) teens decide to take an experimental "vacation" in an isolated underground chamber; soon they realize they're running out of food and water, they can't escape by themselves, and no one knows where they are...

  This is a really hard book for me to pin down.  I like, but I don't.
  The premise is totally intriguing: trapped in an inescapable situation, with no foreseeable rescue, what lengths will people go to to survive?  Honestly, it's one of my favorite scenarios to read about, because there are so many variables when it comes to how characters will react.  Conserve your stockpile of goods and dole them out equally to ensure the continuation of the group?  Or bludgeon your companions (and any other threats to your immediate progression) to death and hoard all the resources to ensure your own survival?  And what happens when these character types meet?  I find it all utterly fascinating.
  Also, the twist at the end was definitely clever, even though I was expecting it, as I've seen (and greatly enjoyed) the movie.  I wasn't exactly sure what would be coming, though, as I've learned that even if it happens in the theatrical version, nothing like that may happen in the literary version.  Especially if the literary version comes first.  And although that held true in this case, where the twist ended up being different, it was still pretty satisfying.  I guess when I read the book, and then watch the movie, I find myself hollering at the screen, "Where the hell did THAT come from?!  This is totally inaccurate!" while I shake my fist indignantly and spill my popcorn.  But if I watch the movie first, and then read the book, I find myself going, "Well... where's all the action?  What's with all this inner blah blah blah and contemplation?"  Stupid action filled movies, desensitizing me to the subtleties of the written word.
  My main issue with this book is that there were so SO many loose ends, and nothing was made particularly clear, both plot-wise and writing style-wise.  The constantly shifting narrative drove me frickin' bonkers, and while some of the non-Hole bits were insightful, I found it to be mostly unnecessary (for me) filler.  The ending certainly added some substance to some of those narratives, but that didn't make the actual reading experience any more interesting.  I think I'd rather watch the movie again.      

Feb 18 - Feb 21, 2011

Will To Live
Les Stroud
Non Fiction/Adventure/Reference
Published 2010
228 pages

9/10

    Les Stroud takes us step by step through classic disaster scenarios (as well as his own adventures) to teach us... how to survive.  May I point out, he uses his skill of hindsight more than any other?
    Mr. Stroud states that there are four key components to survival: knowledge, luck, kit, and will to live.  I honestly believe that knowledge, and therefore preparedness, is the most important component BY FAR.  Because knowledge means the difference between using a candle to keep you warm when you're trapped in your vehicle during a snowstorm, or taking a nice nap because you left the heat on and it's just so dang cozy.  And you know what?  Luck, kit, or will to live won't mean shit when you get eaten by zombies because you've been trapped in quicksand and don't know how to escape the advancing undead horde.  May I mention, by the way, that all of this research is to prepare for the inevitable zombie apocalypse?  Be  ready.  It'll happen one day.  And that's why I'm drawn to books like this; you never know when a little tidbit of info will mean the difference between munching on survival rations and munching BRRRAAA-AAAIIIINNNNSSSSS.
    This book gave me just about everything I expected; adventure stories of a most terrific and entertaining nature, peppered with handy bite-sized bits of survival information.  I BLASTED through this book, and was left with the overall feeling that the human spirit is a tenacious entity, and that certain individuals are capable of some nasty shit when faced with life or death situations.
    My only problem with this book (i.e. why it got a 9/10 instead of the highly coveted 10/10) was the writer.  I don't know if it was the ghostwriter kissing ass, or if Les comes from planet "Look at Me, Look at What I Can Do" but to me, he came across as kind of an ass hat.  First off, there's all the Les!  As in, one chapter about epic survival in the most monstrous of conditions with no knowledge as to whether or not rescue will come or if everyone will perish from frostbite, starvation, anus impalation on dry stick, etc. will be followed by one chapter about Les.  Now, I'm not saying he's not Survivorman.  I'm not saying he's not way harder than my honky ass.  I'm not even saying that he hasn't been bitten by a shark.  I'm just sayin'... he has GPS.  The guys from Uruguay ATE people.  'Nuff said.  And when he claims, "... the most common cause of death in the wilderness is unpreparedness." I have to raise my hand and ask, Are you sure it's not exposure, Les?  Frostbite?  Being IMPALED in the ANUS with a DRY STICK?  Or is the coroner going to look at the mangled, appendage-less, famine ravished corpse of a hapless victim, shake his head sadly, and write "UNPREPAREDNESS" under "Cause of Death", dust his hands off, and walk away into the night, having closed the book on that messy corpse?  I'm sure he meant it as a catchy buzz-phrase like "I didn't do it!" or "Did I do that?" but it irritates me all to shit.  And you know what Les?  Having you expound all through the story about how you wouldn't have done that, you would've done this, how that was a poor choice, and you'd have made a better one, doesn't go a long way in making you a sympathetic character IN YOUR OWN FREAKING BOOK.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Way to go, bud.
    But I otherwise thoroughly enjoyed the book, and picked up some useful facts along the way.  Actually, all I can remember off the top of my head is how to get out of quicksand, but I'm sure if I was in an ACTUAL survival situation, I'D know exactly what to do.  Right, Les?