Mar 6 - Mar 10, 2012

Never Let me Go
Kazou Ishiguro
Sci-Fi
Published 2005
288 pages

7.5/10

  In a society not unlike our own, particular children are raised to be prepared for a necessary but morbid fate.  Though some are never truly informed in outright terms, as they grow they come to understand (and ultimately accept with docile resignation) their final purpose in life...
  There's so little I can say about this book without giving away some pretty major plot points.  I'd rather let people enjoy it as it comes, as opposed to, say, being told the main idea you're supposed to slowly discover before you even read the goddamn book.  Ahem.  I'm talking to you, Janine.  But hell, at least I got to ruin Eat, Pray, Love for you.
  What I can say is that the general tone of the book is almost dreamy.  Once I realized what was going on, I wanted to rage against everything they were heading towards.  Why not run?  Find a place to hide?  Become a weeknight busboy at Denny's or a Thursday feature girl at the local strip club?

  Christ. 
  Maybe it was because our protagonists were raised in such a nice complacent environment.  Maybe if they'd been raised in the ghetto they would have been angrier.  The problem was, because our main protagonist was so accepting of the outcome of herself and her companions, I found it hard to get riled up as well, be it about their situations in particular or the book in general.

Don't get me wrong.  It wasn't a bad book.  It was extremely well written - it reminded me, in fact, of R.L. Stine's books.  Remember how there was always a jump at the end of each chapter, so you HAD to keep reading to see what would happen?  This was the grownup version of that same writing style.

  I just wish they'd gone more into... the stuff that I can't really get into without giving away the whole shebang.  You'll know what I mean if you read Never Let Me Go.  There was a lot of focus on the people, and I wanted to know... the everything else.  Though the people themselves were fairly interesting too, as they were definitely different (like, a LOT different) and reacted differently than other characters in similar situations in other books.  They definitely reacted differently that I would have, that's for sure.  Like I said, I'd probably be picking dollar bills up off a faux-wood floor with my asscheeks before I threw in the non-existent towel.
  It was an interesting book with a really neat premise, though it wasn't my usual cup of tea.  A little too soft and gentle for my taste, but still enjoyable.

  Feb 11 - Feb 19, 2012

11/22/63
Stephen King
Fantasy/Horror
Published Nov 2011
849 pages

10/10

  Jacob Epping is a regular dude dealing with his regular problems in his regular life; that is, until he is shown the "Rabbit Hole" - a time portal that leads to a sunny afternoon in 1958.  Then he becomes Jacob Epping AKA George Amberson, the man charged with saving JFK from being assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, and thus, the man charged with changing the course of history.

  I love Stephen King.  I do.  And his evolution as an author hasn't throw me off his bandwagon - not by a long shot.  Hell, I'll ride Stephen King's bandwagon like a drunk college student on a mechanical bull trying to win free beer.

  Except I'd never fall off the bandwagon.  Just sayin'.
  Although Stephen King no longer seems to write 'straight horror' (or even bisexual horror, for that matter) he still had me at, "Hello, is that a presidential assassination plan in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"  The thing is, King is an incredible writer; he holds you absolutely spellbound from page one, all the way though to the bitter (but beautiful) end, when you're crying like a bitch at 2AM on a work night, wiping your tears on the stuffed Rabbit you still sleep with.
  Ahem.
  King is at the top of his game with 11/22/63, and I couldn't help but notice that while it wasn't a horror novel per se, it contained all the cringe-worthy, nail biting, anxiety in your belly feelings that a regular horror novel produces.  You see, while our protagonist isn't exactly dealing with boogeymen (though Pennywise the Dancing Clown makes a behind the scenes cameo) he does have to deal with some all too human monsters and some utterly horrific situations that bring tears to your eyes and make the flesh crawl all up and down your hackles.  Ugh.  But the all encompassing, far reaching, genre bending nature of this book has to be its greatest appeal - it's horror, fantasy, romance, sci-fi, historical, political... and it even has pictures.
  As always, King has peopled his story with some mighty entertaining characters.  Jake AKA George is my definite favorite.  You can empathize with him one minute, and hate him the next; understand his actions but wholeheartedly wish he's reconsider.  He's a man who's one of us.  On the other hand, I found Sadie to be a little too perfect - so loving, so understanding, so heroic; she's almost unbelievable in my understanding of your average, everyday woman.  I also understand, though, that she's NOT an everyday woman... at least not from my day.  Hell, maybe chicks were different back then, and I can excuse some of her naivety and almost blind devotion to a dude who comes across as a little cray-cray.  But really, I actually chalk it up to the fact that we see Sadie through our protagonist's adoring eyes, and because of that, she comes out as a little too good to be true.  Jacob AKA George is the human mess I prefer to get behind.  And I must say, I really enjoyed the juxtaposition of the assholes and the sweethearts of the late 50's/early 60's - the ruthless bookies, the sweet Russian immigrants, the dried up old judgmental cows in position of power, and the earnest students trying to be the best that they can be.
  When it comes to the plot, I was hooked from the word go.  Time travel alone is such a neat ass concept, and when you throw in the butterfly effect and actually being capable of seeing the changes the character is enabling... holy fuck.  There's a scene early on where Jake says to his friend (and I'm paraphrasing here because I lost that particular bookmark) "What if you went back and killed your own grandfather?" and the friend replies, "Why the fuck would you want to do that?"  Honestly, that's the best solution to the grandfather paradox I've heard yet.  And that's just one of the reasons I liked the story so much.  I mean, there's so little that I can tell you about the plot without giving anything really important away... that, and my clumsy fingers would do a shit ass job in comparison to actually reading the words of the master writer himself in the actual book.  
  But what it all really comes down to is the writing.  King IS a master of the written word (at least, in my opinion).  I made note of a few of my favorite bits:

  "I felt an absurd urge to ask, Can you sell me a nice summer hat, or should I just go fuck myself?"
  "On the gray street, with the smell of industrial smokes in the airand the afternoon bleeding away to evening, downtown Derry looked only marginally more charming than a dead hooker in a church pew."
  "I pointed out more Denholm educators (many already leaving Sobriety City on the Alcohol Express)."
  "[It would] almost certainly [matter] to the tens of thousands of young Americans who were now in high school and who would, if nothing changed the course of history, be invited to put on uniforms, fly to the other side of the world, spread their nether cheeks, and sit on the big green dildo that was Vietnam."  

  And just in case you think I'm only in it for the swears and sex talk, I also wanted to share this, because it's so poignant, simple, and above all, true:

  "That's the curse of the reading class.  We can be seduced by a good story even at the least opportune moments."

  Amen, brother.  Amen.
  Honestly, if you're looking for a good long read, pick this up.  It doesn't matter what you're preferred genre is, if you studied Canadian history instead of American (King actually gives a shout out to us Canucks) or the fact that you don't have a stuffed rabbit to wipe your tears on when you lose your shit at one of the most devastatingly legit endings I've read all year. 
  You can wipe those tears on just about anything.
 
  And for all you Stephen King/sci-fi nerds out there, here's a LINK to King's interview with WIRED magazine regarding his Rules For Time Travel.  Just read the article AFTER you read the book, because some pretty key plot points are given away here.  That's just like a magazine, ruining books for us so we'll turn to their embrace of bite sized bits of information and advertisements for nice cologne.  

Jan 14 - Jan 18, 2012

77 Shadow Street
Dean Koontz
Horror/Sci Fi
Published 2011
382 pages

9/10

  The Pendleton is a stately old mansion that has been converted into luxury apartments for the wealthy elite.  It boasts Oriental rugs, a full swimming pool, and a horrific past dredged in bloodshed and insanity.  But don't be deceived, because 77 Shadow Street is no mere haunted house, and the current residents are about to be thrust into a world overseen by something far more terrifying than ghosts...

  I LIKE this book.
  It's totally bizarre and unpredictable, it dragged ass on occasion, and had too many characters; but I don't give a fuck.  I like it.
  I think the overwhelming reason why I have such affection for 77 Shadow Street is because I stepped into this thinking, "I haven't read a good haunted house story since twenty-ought-six.  This will seem new and exciting, therefore I'm down." and I plunged in like there were no fucks to be given.

  Swiftly I began to realize that this was no haunted house story in the traditional sense (no more than Epic Meal Time is a cooking show) but more of a super fucked up "This kitchen could really use a woman's touch." a la The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror kind of house.

  And then I really got reading and realized I had NO IDEA what I had gotten myself into when I cracked this sucker.
  I'll admit, I had kind of an inkling where things were headed four fifths of the way through, and was right in the broad sense.  But as far as specifics?  I'm STILL not quite sure exactly what happened and I don't think I got the license plate of that truck that hit me.I have to be honest; I was kind of waffling on whether I really liked all that much, or if I just thought it was OK.  Like I said, there was such a profusion of characters that sometimes, when I was going through a particular set of circumstances or experiences a half dozen or a dozen times, I sort of wanted to shoot myself in the face. 

_OK, mildly melodramatic, but I was growing less than amused at some points.  Also, Koontz occasionally repeats himself.  Though I can live with that, as I live in a mini-enclave of stoners, and we are notorious for telling the same story over and over and over again.  Hey, to be fair, it's hard to keep track of who you have and haven't told the amusing anecdote about the time...
  Anyways, couple those wee irritations with a final course of schmaltz, and you get a mighty waffling Kat.  But you know what did it for me?  What tipped me over the edge of "Pretty Good' into straight-up "DAMN!  This is fine Reading!' with an extra helping of awesome?  The fact that A) Koontz gives a contact address so you can write him (He's not too good for us little peoples!) and B) He mentions his dog in the dedication, who he also wrote a book about.  And yes, I know you all assumed Wikipedia was the most accurate place to score all your info:

  But Koontz is the guy, not the dog. 
  Anyways, Trixie (his dog) passed away, but Dean hasn't forgotten her, and is keeping her name alive via dedications, books, and her own spot on his website.  Hell, he's even got a spot on there so you can donate to the organization that Trixie came from, as Trixie was a retired companion animal. 
  Shiz, you guys.  I'm tearing up a little right now.  Don't judge me.
  So to sum it up, Dean Koontz writes scary weird, lets his fans send him locks of their hair, and loves his passed away dog.  And on this day, my Grinch heart grew three sizes, and I found just a little more love for this book.
  Or I just might be ovulating.  But I'd like to think it's love.
  And just so you don't think I got too sappy, I'll leave you with some of my favorite Eic Meal Time videos (I made a version of the cake with girlfriends once... wait, did I already tell you that story?)

  And the first one I ever saw (and my all time favorite):

Dec 29, 2011 - Jan 2, 2012 (We're in the future, man!)

The Good Humor Man
Andrew Fox
Sci-Fi/Dystopian Future
Published 2009
267 pages

9/10

  In the near future, everyone is thin and fattening foods are not only shunned, they're actually illegal (at which point I would kill myself).  Good Humor Men live to destroy these evil foods, but Louis Schmaltzberg, original Good Humor Man, retired liposuctionist, and son of the man who liposuctioned Elvis himself, begins to doubt his current career.  When a macabre piece of his family legacy draws the attention of a myriad of powers, Louis goes on the run and attempts to save the world.

  Fuckin' weird.  Not senselessly weird, like Carlton Mellick III (not that he's not incredible in his own right) or British humor (I just don't get that shit) but weird like... I don't know what, exactly.  The closest approximation I can come to is... Sideways Stories From Wayside School. 

  It's very well done weirdness, I can tell you that much.  Every bizarre element wound up having an integral part in the story, somehow.  Which is actually mighty impressive when you consider that some key plot points are: Elvis Presley's belly fat in a jar; a mysterious government funded wasting disease;  a 500lb food Nazi and his clones; and a church dedicated to the cannula.  Imagine, if you will for a moment, being heavily intoxicated and lying in a bed with 3 other people while trying to explain this book.  There was a lot of yelling, and nothing was in order.  I was yelling, by the way, because by yelling, I was making my points more clear.
  For all the weirdness, it was a simple book.  A quandary was presented, the protagonist made the choice (well, the author made it for him, but bear with me here) to take it upon himself to rectify it.  Basically: 

  No midway moral quandaries, no deceptions or feints, no multi-layered multi-leveled plot lines, just an old fashioned straightforward dystopian future adventure.  Which is kind of what does it for me.
  It felt like it dragged ass a little bit on occasion, but adventure always popped up when it was needed most, so in retrospect, it was more awesome than not.  It was one of those incredibly quick and fun, like making sweet sweet love to the Ultimate Indulgence. 
  Simple (yet complicated) and fun (yet disturbing).  I liked it. 

Dec 10 - Dec 28, 2011

The Prodigal Hour
Will Entrekin
Sci-Fi
Published July 1, 2011
205 pages

7/10

  What if you could stop time, travel through it, and change the past?  Would you do it?  And what would be the final repercussions?  Chance Sowin is about to find out...

  This story reads like an adolescent hyperactive genius wrote it.  Really.
  The main idea, time travel and altering history to create alternate realities, is AWESOME.  Unfortunately, I'm not well-versed enough in science or science fiction to understand all the technical stuff.  I mean, this is an excerpt from the book:
  "Quantum mechanics is full of dynamic flexibility, thought experiments in which cats in safes with poison vials and unpredictably radioactive atoms propose greater logic problems than Zen koans.  Consider again an electron the certainty of which, in terms of speed and position, can only be determined by firing a photon - a tiny quantum of light - at it, and then realize that doing so will alter both."
  Tell me I'm not justified in having trouble with that. 
  And hey, I'm sure there's sci-fi lovers out there that will read that excerpt, then sigh pitifully and lament "All the pretty ones are stupid..." as they work on their Sex-Bots (I hope).  But my science learning basically stopped at particles, light, and energy.  I was more of a gene-mapping gal, myself.  So when I'm faced with a multitude of words I don't comprehend in a formation I can't really fathom, my mind starts to wander, and the next thing you know I'm thinking about ponies and the colour blue.

  There's also the fact that this story was all over the place.  Two different plot lines?  I can follow that.  But two plot lines that travel forwards and/or backwards in time to various events and occasionally converge on themselves from slightly different viewpoints?  Oh my.  There was just so much going on that I had trouble focusing and there I am again !BAM! blue ponies.  There was also a specific plot line (that I won't reveal for fear of spoiling it) that, while interesting as hell, seemed like it was either A) tacked on, or B) meant to be a way bigger chunk of the story but was then reduced, when it should have totally been expounded upon.  Really, this book could have been split up into two or even three books and it still would have been amazing.  I might have even preferred it that way, because there was so much to take in in so little time, that I didn't really get a chance to invest myself in the characters as much as I would have liked to.
  And I have to point out the fact that, while I thought this would be a boy book, this was totally a romance in a boy book disguise.  I can't tell if the cynic in my is disgusted or the ovulating female in me is enchanted by the "Love Conquers All" theme.  To be honest, it's a daily battle between the two.  "Don't give that homeless guy change, he'll spend it on drugs!"  "But he's got a dog with him!  He'll use the money to buy dog food!"  In that case, the ovulating female always wins. 
  There was also a slew of highly dreaded editing errors (mostly in the first half of the book) to drive me mental, but I suppose at this point it's just par for the course.  I find them everywhere now, it seems, so I just roll with it, and keep a pencil (for paper books) or pen and notepad (for digital books) handy to mark them down.  Because I'm fucking neurotic like that.
  But for all my bitching and moaning, this book has got a really REALLY cool idea driving it; and while I was reading, I found myself thinking, "This would make and EPIC movie!"  So I definitely liked it.  But if I was smarter, I bet I would have liked it more.

Nov 25 - Nov 28, 2011

The Lost Diaries of John Smith
Phillip Rhodes
Sci-Fi
Published 2011
98 pages

4/10

  In 2014, a gargantuan fireball causes the demise of countless people and destroys 99-point-some-odd percent of electronics.  The cause of this?  Aliens (though they did it accidentally).  These aliens then very nicely force survivors (including the titular character, John Smith) to mine for a mysterious reason under dangerous conditions.  All this is told many years later via several secret diaries kept by John, and the young girl he saved back in 2014 who is trying to find him.

  Oy vey.  There's a possibility I could have liked this.

Really, the premise was decent - aliens who DON'T want to blow up/enslave/kill/cook human - how very novel!

  However, I couldn't get past several issues, both technical and... non-technical.
  First off, and most importantly: THE EDITING ERRORS!  Christ Almighty!  The MULTITUDE of editing errors!  Honestly, they got to be so prevalent that I started keeping a list (and it is by no means complete, I'm sure; I only started keeping it on page 8, and I left out anything that I wasn't 100% certain of):
Pages 8, 12, 17, 20, 27, 29, 42 (I started a little paper list here, instead of on my Kobo, because it was ridiculously distracting to close out of the book and open the sketchbook, but I managed to lose it, so I started another list on my Kobo) 54, 65, 67, 84, 88, 90, 92, 94, 95, 97...
  These pages all had some mistake or another.  Sometimes simple things like "...and that mean working for..."(p. 8) or "...he was right off course..."(p. 94) or "...the worse is not over..."(p. 12).  At first I thought I was dealing with past/present errors (mean, means, or meant?)  which is irritating enough, but then, I started finding stuff like THIS:
  "Today a small plague dedicated to the men is located as close as possible to the mine entrance."(p. 92)  A plague?  I'd love a plague dedicated to me!  Is the bubonic one taken?  Or how about locusts?  I know!  I'd like the plague that keeps sending me e-mails promising to add four inches to my penis!  I'm sure my husband would be delighted!
  Or how about THIS:
  "...but if someone young and inquisitive comes along demanding to know the truth, then sometimes we oblige with a few documents hand-delivered, albeit anomalously, because you deserved to know the truth."(p. 97)
  Firstly, can you see how the past/present thing is a little off-putting?  And I'm pretty sure having the words "anomalously" and "truth" in the same sentence is counter-productive.  I mean, he could have intended to use that word, but I'm fairly certain he meant to use 'anonymously' since they were talking about discretion and something that had to be covered up or else the government would find them.
  Seriously, you need to proof-read your shiz because you send it out into the internetz.

Nov 2 - Nov 6, 2010

The Bachman Books: The Running Man
Richard Bachman/ Stephen King
Sci-Fi
Published 1982

9/10

  In a not-too distant future, the poor are given the option of slowly starving, or competing on deadly game shows.  Just an evolved version of current affairs, I suppose.
  As wildly unreal as this book seems, as hard as it is to take it completely seriously with it's futuristic weapons and hover cars and ludacris forms of entertainment - I know on an intellectual level that this is an all too real possibility of our direction as a society.  In general, the theme is the ever-widening gap between the Haves and Have-Nots (which is, without question, an issue occurring as we speak... type?  Read?  Whatever.) and the repercussions of this societal trend.  The upper and upper middle class - or "Haves" - will continue to live out their daily lives in their ever dwindling numbers, and the lower class - the "Have-Nots" - will grow and become more feared, less human, and therefore more expendable, which will ultimately lead to anarchy.  Richard's thoughts about how the slum-dwellers would eventually mutate, adapt, and rise up against the weak aristocracy and eventually destroy them was incredibly poignant.  The Running man was thought provoking, surely, but kind of silly and fun, which is great for entertainment value, but takes away some of the impact.  However, it must be noted - there was a GREAT twist at the end there.  Totally blindsided me.  So, a fun book.  Good, well-written, if a little unbelievable (Duh, It's sci-fi).  For sure it's a rad concept.
  Although I wonder if reality TV execs have ever read this, or if they even should...