Feb 6 - Feb 9, 2012

Blood Road
Edo Van Belkom
Horror
Published 2004
317 pages

9.5/10

  Hitchhiking across Canada just become even more dangerous, because there's a trucker out there who will do some bad BAD things to you before he kills you... and he's had a lot of time to hone his craft.  So if you're a pretty young thing trying to get away from a bad situation at home like Amanda Peck, consider saving up for a Greyhound ticket before you throw caution to the wind and decide to stand on the side of the road with your thumb out...

  This had all the makings of a pulp horror novel - an evil monster, a helpless victim, an asshole of a boyfriend, a likable gumshoe detective determined to crack the case, all wrapped up in an innocuous paperback with a pun on the cover.  But I hesitate to call this pulp, because it was too damn good, and too damn surprising to entirely fit into that category.  The evil monster (while horrifying) is also nearly pathetic; the helpless victim doesn't wait around to be rescued and takes matters into her own hands; the asshole decides to get his shit together; the gumshoe... well, he's still that, but he's likable because he's written well, not because he's some clumsy Clouseau-esque inspector simply penciled in for a laugh. 

  As for the pun on the cover, well, I fucking love puns.  Shoot me.
  Really, it was an enjoyable read.  When I was certain I had the plot figured out (and wondered how the hell the author was going to drag the book out for another 150 pages) shit went haywire and the story moved along in a totally new (but totally plausible) direction, which is a huge plus in my books because it takes a lot to hold my interest, and I get bored pretty easily.  I'm the proverbial tough critic, and you've got to be on point to keep me from heckling you like an asshole. 

  The best part about this book was that it was SURPRISING.  Good surprising.  Not The Crying Game surprising.  While our lady protagonist was enough of a stereotype to get herself into such a massively shitty situation, she turned out to be badass enough to deal with it, and her evolution as a character warmed the jaded cockles of my heart.  You get stereotypes in pulp - you get evolution in literature.  Really, Amanda Peck is pretty fuckin' awesome, and unquestionable my favorite character, though the crusty mess that is our antagonist comes in at a close second.  He's nasty in appearance and nastier in personality, disgustingly gross but disgustingly powerful.  Much like a traumatized hobo living on the edge of a nuclear power plant in Chernobyl.
  Sure, there were a few persnickety bits that irked me; certain wording in a sentence here and there, calling semen "seed".  That's all personal preference though, and the author couldn't have foreseen that the term "seed" will forever and always immediately catapult me to THIS:    

  More than anything though, this book was FUN.  Likable characters, excitement, action, surprises; all these elements make for an enjoyable read that you can't wait to get back to, and Blood Road had all of it.  There was an excellent balance between Pulp (humor, stereotypes, blood and gore) and Damn-Good-Reading (couldn't put the goddamn thing down).  Even the ending was a perfect fit.  Really, it might have been the best part, and there were a LOT of good parts.
  So go out, find Blood Road, read the fuck out of it, and thank me after.  I am fully willing to accept Nicholas Cage memorabilia in place of gratitude, by the way. 
  No, really.

Jan 25 - Jan 30, 2012

Lothaire
Kresley Cole
Paranormal Romance
Published Jan 2012
468 pages

9/10

  Lothaire, Enemy of Old, is a mad Vampire of Royal lineage - he's kicking ass and taking names (in his ancient ledger of Blood Debts) and is hell bent on taking control of the Vampire Kingdoms... by force.  Elizabeth Peirce is a foxy backwoods piece who, unfortunately, is possessed by the spirit of the homicidal goddess Saroya and has landed on Death Row.  Lothaire intends to wed Saroya in Elizabeth's body, once he gets rid of her pesky soul.  But Lothaire begins to feel conflicted in his plans, because Elizabeth makes him all kinds of hot in all his lusty (and well-endowed) Vampire parts, and Soaroya... well, Saroya only has one thing on her mind and it's a lot more decapitations and a lot less lovin'...

  I'll level with you - this is the first adult paranormal romance I've ever read.  Really, the only one I've ever read, if you don't count Twilight (which I'm sure most people wouldn't).  But Simon & Schuster sent me this book at the beginning of the month, and I figured I could use a break from my usual fare (zombies); so what better way to start than with some random book from the post office?
  From what I could gather, there was a whole slew of other books from this particular Universe, but I didn't feel like an uneducated asshole for not having read them; instead there were allusions to other characters and plots (as opposed to referencing things mysteriously and adding footnotes like *Buy book 5 for the explanation!*) that seemed... pretty interesting, actually. 
  This book was super easy to read; every character was individual and well developed with their own back story (another reason why I'll read more from this series) and the Universe itself was badass - there were so many types of supernatural creatures with different legends and it all comes across as really new and exciting.
  Lothaire as a character was fun to read about; he's ridiculously handsome, rich beyond measure, violent, mentally imbalanced, and completely sex crazed.  My kind of dude.  Elizabeth was kind of standard romance fare (I have read a couple of historical romances in my time): spunky, unpredictable, and a babe.  She seemed a little stereotypical at first; stay strong, keep it together, don't cry out loud...

  Sorry, couldn't resist.  Any time I can work a reference from that movie into my life, I will. 
  Anyways, Elizabeth evolved from from that kind of well-done sticht, and definitely grew on me.  She definitely put that badass in... badass a time or two.  The other characters were a neat mix of old-timey traditional and uber modern Valley/Hipster/Punk.  Another neat take on things (the mixing of mediums, as it were) and another reason why I want to read more of these.
  As for the sex and violence?  Lots of sex, and not a shit load of violence, but it all worked for me.  The sex was nice and graphic (and bizarre at times, which is a plus) and there was just enough violence to keep my interest piqued and the action moving along.  I say this as a hardcore horror junkie (Just put it in my veins!) but nice, normal readers my find it all pretty intense. 
  There was a weird spot towards the end where I was expecting everything to work out, while instead it got pretty messy (severed fingers and shriveled hearts, anyone?) where I was a little wigged out (My first time reading a proper Paranormal Romance and it deviated from the formula?  What?!) but everything came together pretty dang well, in my opinion.  For the most part.
  I really liked that, at the end, while the book did wrap itself up in more specific terms (majority of major conflicts resolved, etc.) it ended in such a way that there was an opening left for another book, which I'd love to read. 
  Kresley Cole did a good job - great characters, well developed Universe, lots of dirty nasty sex, and she's funny, which made this book a lot of fun.  And that's what reading is supposed to be (at least some of the time) right? 
  Honestly, I think I found a new favorite author, but check back with me after I've read a few more...

Sep 22 - Sep 25, 2011

Inside the Outside
Martin Lastrapes
Horror
Published July 9, 2011
292 pages

10/10

  Somewhere outside Vegas, a happy little commune practices regular full-body shaving, the sharing of sex partners and child-rearing, and ritual sacrifice to provide for cannibalism.  All this is overseen by their glorious virile leader, who is leading them to salvation.  And possibly the human version of Mad Cow Disease.  Seems like my kind of party.

  Cara and I found this story in our inbox; the author wondered if we'd perhaps read and review it.  Sure, I thought.  As soon as I get an E-Reader.  And wade through the other requests.  And maybe check out some of my other books.  I'd get to it.  Eventually.
  Then Cara mentioned the cannibals.  And I got a kobo.  And of course I had to learn how to load the thing, and Inside the Outside wound up being the first thing that came up when I turned on my kobo.  And I did recall the cannibals, so even though I had reservations about reading something free (People don't give away awesome stuff!  If it's free, there must be something wrong with it!) I gave it a go... and I'm so freakin' glad I did!
  I picked this story up, and I literally could not put it down.  I was reading it at work.  I was reading it at a party last night.  I fell asleep in bed with it in my hands at 2AM two nights in a row.  I was totally hooked, and reading at every possible second.  Honestly, I wish all my reading experiences were like this; I'd burn through WAY more books.
  First off, the subject matter is right up my alley.  Cannibal cults?  Human sacrifice?  Uninhibited sex?  Prostitution and pornography?!  Can I get a double helping splashed with gore gravy and incest sprinkles?!  I can?!  Because that's my favorite!  This book literally included all the elements of the "gross" and "weird" and "inappropriate for a birthday party" books that I LOVE to read (occasionally out loud).
  I found myself excited by all of the characters - the charismatic cult leader who loves to fuck, kill, and eat people; the sweet, gentle homosexual pornographer and his stripper-cum-internet-sensation companion; the crooked cop with an all-too-human secret; even the minor characters added interesting little detours.  When an underage girl slits her own throat because her lover's been publicly decapitated, you know you've got an exciting story.  And our female protagonist is one cool cat indeed.  Timber was raised a corpse mutilating cannibal, and I love that she never really grows out of that.  She doesn't generally feel shame or remorse for who she was, and who she has become.  She simply is who she is.  She eats people.  Tough titties. 
  Maybe I like this, and Timber, so much because I find cannibalism and it's social taboos fascinating.  I personally can see no issue with eating human flesh, since as a society, we eat animal flesh all the time, and humans are just another fleshy animal.  And while I myself have no interest in sampling the delicacies of "long pig" ("I am a vegetarian you know..." she said, snobbishly) I certainly don't judge others who do.  As long as it's consensual, obviously. 

  As a side note, if, like myself, you have an interest in stuff like this, check out this sweet ass documentary I watched on Netflix- "Keep The River On Your Right" chronicles Tobias Schneebaum's trek through the wilds of Peru, where he engages in many grand adventures, including eating human flesh, participating in tribal attacks, and taking a life companion, who also happens to be another man.  Schneebaum comes across as an incredibly sweet and intelligent man, who partook in some motherfucking AMAZING adventures, the likes of which we could only dream about.  He ate human flesh, and he's cool (and hard) as fuck.  Seriously.  Watch this.

Plus, Woodhouse from Archer eats long pig, and he is also cool (and hard) as fuck.  This whole review is almost a peer pressure ad for cannibalism.  I wouldn't recommend it though: I'm pretty sure it's illegal in a lot of places.
  My point is, Timber accepts herself for who she is, and our author is willing to let this book stand on its awesomeness, instead of trying to turn it into some namby-pamby "overcoming the horrible nature of her upbringing to discover the error of her ways, repent, and persevere to find the inner goodness that we all have inside of us" Oprah-esque bullshit.  The story is good; it doesn't require that kind of schmaltz to make it digestible for the masses. 
  That doesn't mean that it's not an easy read, though.  I flew through the damn thing.  There was tons of action to keep me interested; enough contemplations and musings for me to get to know, and therefore care about the characters, but not so much that I got bored; and everyone just kind of dealt with their shit up front and moved on, like how normal human beings should.
  As this book was set up in two parts, I worried that it would all go downhill once I finished the first part, which was so badass and all encompassing that it could have easily been a stand alone novella.  Really, I didn't know how the author could live up to the standard I set for him.  When I started Part Two, I thought, "Oh boy, here it comes, a bunch of real world assimilation bullshit and the inevitable change of heart and the real world mediocre dullness."  Luckily, I was totally wrong, and my fears were completely unfounded, because there was still plenty of murder, sex (Even the gay kind!  Excellent!) and corruption.  What a relief!
  If I had to express any complaint with this book whatsoever, I would have to say I'm not so shit hot for the cover.  It made me think this was a sci-fi book, for whatever reason.  I kind of thought it was a robot or something.  Now that I've read the book, I totally get it.  Except for why she's holding a feather duster.  That I still don't get.  But if that's the only fault I can find with a book, I'm counting myself fortunate.
  I was sent this book, to review, for free, and it was FUCKING EXCELLENT.  It gives me hope and encouragement that free stuff can be awesome, to try out those neat free downloads from unknowns that I keep coming across, and that maybe, just maybe, I'll eventually find a use for those painting I snagged off the curb two months ago.

Sep 5 - Sep 7, 2011

Snuff
Adam Huber and Eric Enck
Torture Porn/Horror
Published May 2008
168 pages

6.5/10

  A couple of sick fucks with a propensity for rapin' get into the business of snuff films for profit, but, surprisingly, they find themselves with an enemy or two along the way.

  Remember how, in my previous review, I said, "If you're going to write torture porn, go all the way" ?  THIS book went all the way.  And then some.  The creators of this story  were definitely imaginative; murder after murder after murder, there was always some sort of new and interesting violence being inflicted upon the hapless victim. Yeah, I was mighty disturbed and disgusted, but I look upon that as a positive aspect in my reading experience. 
  Unfortunately, I found a lot of negative aspects in this book, too.  
  As a whole, the story was fairly unbelievable.  Every character was either a completely twisted psychopath of a human being, a drug-addled prostitution whore,  or a one-dimensional plot propellant (e.g. animal shelter employee, bereaved mom, abused sibling, etc).  Sure, a couple of our psychos had back stories, but they themselves didn't really develop.  We met them as twisted, damaged individuals, and so they stagnated.  
  I understand that people like this really do exist, but with no redeeming characters to feel for, there's really no saving grace, either.  Maybe I'm jaded, but when "Random Victim #2" gets disemboweled, I give it a big 'meh' and move on.  Kill someone whose death would be considered tragic, unexpected, heart breaking, and I might give a damn.
  As for the writing itself, it was over-complicated at the outset (too many cooks in the kitchen?) but settled into a nice flow as the book progressed.  Well, it would have been a nice flow, had I not come across at least A DOZEN editing errors throughout my perusing.  There is NO EXCUSE FOR 12+ EDITING ERRORS IN A PUBLISHED BOOK.  Give me a job as editor.  I'll keep that shit on lockdown.
  The final conclusion was a great touch, although I immediately expected it when one plot point was revealed halfway through, and a few pages from the end I did recall my sneaking suspicion.  But the writing was fast-paced enough that I forgot all about it for most of the pages between.  And it still packed a pretty mean punch.
  
  Final verdict?  While I enjoyed the gore, it was difficult to become emotionally invested in a story where the characters are all assholes.       

Sep 2 - Sep 4, 2011
Suffer the Flesh
Monica J. O'Rourke
Horror/Torture Porn/Erotica 
Published 2002
143 pages

8/10

  A hefty young lady is kidnapped off the street and brought to a sex torture dungeon/diet camp, where fat girls go to get raped, humiliated, and mutilated so that they can be stressed enough to lose weight.  Sound like a good investment?  Well then, read on!

  OK.  This is the kind of book that you either like, or you don't.  And I almost don't want to confirm myself into either category.  What does it say about you when you like torture porn?  That you're a sick fuck.  What does it say when you DON'T?  That you're a pussy.  But I'd rather be watching Hostel than reading "inspirational fiction" so I guess you know where I stand on this one.  Count me in for the "Sick Fuck" demographic.
  Right off the bat I want to say that no matter how good or bad this book could have been, I wish I'd had access to books like this when I was in high school for our book report assignments.  
  'I think the scene where Lucy gets raped by the Great Dane is really just a metaphor for the epic struggle of Man vs. Nature - Man (or Lucy, in this instance) believes he has dominated nature (the Great Dane) but is brought back to the harsh reality of Nature's vast power (the Great Dane penis) and his illusions are ultimately shattered, as symbolized by Lucy's vagina "tearing, like tissue paper being ripped to shreds."  Thank you.'  End report, and proceed with initializing slow clap.  
  But back to the book itself.  Sure, I love torture porn.  Who doesn't?  Don't answer that, actually; I'd rather assume everyone is into it, as opposed to me being the only weirdo in the room.  And the scenes in the story were all pretty vivid - there was a great period last night where we all sat around the campfire and I read a couple of chapters out loud for my riveted pals.  It was awesome.
  But the story seemed to be written mostly for the sake of detailing the nasty, as there wasn't much character development to be seen, and there were some pretty serious continuity errors, which I can't really get into without giving away some key plot points.  Suffice to say, I noticed because I'm a bit of an nit-picky editor when it comes to my reading material.  So fine, gratuitous torture porn for the sake of gratuitous torture porn.  Awesome.  But in that case, go all the way and run with it!  Urinate on a broad, but don't defecate on her chest?  Have a dog nail a chick, but don't have it tear her throat out after?  If you want to be brutal, BE BRUTAL.  Pick a side and give it your all, don't wuss out on both aspects instead.
  I can't believe I just argued for that.  Please don't judge me.
  I will say that the premise was totally original, it was a hell of a page turner (how could something as innocent sounding as "The Pear" be so bad?  Oh.  CHRIST.  That's how...) and overall, it was an enjoyable reading experience, because it was just dang entertaining.  And very, very gross. 

Apr 12 - Apr 18, 2011

The Collector
John Fowles
General Fiction
Published 1963
283 pages

7/10

    An affluent weirdo obsessed with a local girl decides to kidnap her; that way, she'll see just how much he loves her, and fall just as in love with him!  FOOLPROOF!
  
    The Collector was very... intriguing.
    First off, the two opposing narratives (first Fred the kidnapper, then Miranda the kidnapee) differed so vastly that it really was as though they were written by two different individuals.  Fred kept things moving along at a swift pace - all action and dialogue, no real extended forays into thoughtfulness.  Just the facts, ma'am (from his perspective, anyways).  And truly, a kidnapper's point of view (especially one as deviant as Fred) is going to keep you interested, to say the least.
    At the polar opposite sits Miranda; she almost bored me to the point of tears.  I mean, Good God, is that supposed to be what the mind of a young woman is like?!  If her internal monologue had been, instead, a running external dialogue, I would have shot her in the face.
    With bullets.
    The endless mooning over a crusty old artist and constant analyzation of ideals and the self... ugh.  It made the latter half of the book draggy as fuck.
    Yet somehow, once I finished the book, Miranda had garnered my sympathy, because for all her irritating thoughtfulness, it ended up proving that she was just a regular girl, like every other just out of the teen years, know-it-all, passionate 20-year-old... who just happened to be locked up in a madman's cellar.  Fred, on the other hand, had evolved from a bumbling lovesick Stooge to what, in the end, he truly was under all that chivalry and politeness - a sick psychopath intent on owning his 'dream girl' that really only existed in his own mind; his ideal, as opposed to the person Miranda was in all actuality.  Really, it was never going to work out.  He's apples, and she's kidnapped oranges.
    As a small note, I quite enjoyed that Fred was a butterfly collector.  It paid a neat little homage to Lolita, as the two of them share a similar protagonist - an outwardly seeming normal man driven mad by lust for a girl.  It tickles me just right.
    The Collector was ultimately a shocking book, and for two main reasons.  The first is because, up until the very end, I had no idea how it would turn out; I tip my hat to the author for being very clever in his writing and keeping me guessing.  Bravo.  But I am even more so shocked by the subtle evolution of the characters, and my unexpected change in feelings towards them.  It was thought provoking, if a little flighty at times.  I enjoyed it well enough while I was reading it, but found even more satisfaction considering the whole shebang afterward.
 

Mar 9 - Mar 12, 2011
 
Room
Emma Donoghue
General Fiction
Published 2010
321 pages

8/10

    Remember the Josef Fritzl case?  Of course you do, it was everywhere.  Apparently Emma Donoghue took note of it too, because this book is something along those lines, except more feel good anecdotes, and less incest.
  
    So, wasn't this Amazon's #1 book for, like, a million years?  I mean, even today at Chapters, this book was errywhur, all covered in gold stickers and on the "Heather's Pick" table and shit.  I mean, this book has been hyped.  But when I finally read it, I found it kind of... underwhelming.  It was certainly no Chuck Palahniuk.  But maybe that's just my preference for the grotesque.
    The subject matter was definitely thrilling, and there was lots of action to keep the ball rolling.  There were plenty of tense and thrilling scenes, and some shocking bits as well.  It has all the making of an easy to read book... so easy to read, in fact, that a grade schooler with above average vocabulary could enjoy it.
    Because really, it all comes down the narrative; something so risky will make or break a novel.  Reading from, at all times, 5-year-old Jack's point of view is definitely unique.  On the one hand it works because the story moves so swiftly, no getting bogged down in analysis, and there's plenty of action.  It also makes for some amusing observations.  But on the other hand, it's so literal and detached, it makes it hard for me to identify with the little bugger.  I have more empathy for his mother; at least she seems human, and believable (although making a socially stunted 5-year-old protagonist and narrator believable can't be the easiest task).  And really, out of all of it, my relationship with Jack is the only detraction.  I guess if I wanted more violence and sodomy, I should have picked up the actual Fritzl true crime book.  I'll be happy enough to accept Room as the somewhat PG book it is; I can't fault it because I didn't find it gross enough, and I should have kind of guessed, considering how popular it is.  There aren't a lot of bestsellers with hardcore incest.  Unfortunately.

Feb 26 - Feb 27, 2011

Zombie
Joyce Carol Oates
General Friction (typo stays)
Published 1995
181 pages

6.5/10

    Q_ P_ is your average sex offender, who just can't seem to hop that "assault and murder" hurdle.  Well, I guess we've all got our crosses to bear.
    I'm torn about my feelings regarding this book.  I'm repulsed... by the writing style.  Not the graphic torture scenes, not the sick, twisted protagonist... no.  The writing style.  But I find the subject matter thrilling as hell.  There's action every which way, and dodging, and weaving, and do-it-yourself frontal lobotomies.  It gets your heart pounding.  But see, I'll be getting all worked up and agitated by a particularly engrossing scene, and then BAM - there's a mystery period.  And not the kind that embarrasses you in 8th grade music class the one time you wear white shorts.  No, there'll be this.  And then an ampersand.  & then some CAPITALIZED WORDS thrown IN all WILLY-NILLY.  & everything is the same monotone.  Also, I couldn't get myself emotionally invested in our protagonist.  But maybe I'm not meant to be?  I do suppose no one wants to find themselves feeling a lot of empathy for a NAMBLA devotee with a membership card to the Serial Killer Club (nowhere near as family friendly as The Breakfast Club).
    But the idea behind this novel, that an individual could go about their day-to-day lives, functioning by society's standards but abnormal as fuck and regularly torturing and killing people is totally macabre, and it got me thinking.  How many people out there are like that?  Is every guy that refuses to make eye contact planning on preforming radical surgery on your cranium?  Or is he just shy?  How many people do you pass on a regular basis that are considering the best way forcibly enter your out holes?  It makes you wonder...
    To make it that much worse, there's a scene that plays out early on in the story, where Q's dad pops by for a visit, and promptly notices a... disturbing odor.  And a creepy old footlocker.  That's PADLOCKED SHUT.  And while he asks a few questions (which are half-assedly answered) he gives up and says he really just doesn't even want to know.  Now, how many times do you think that happens in real life?  How many times has a wicked gross odor wafted down an apartment hallway and someone just busts out the Febreeze to cover it up?  Or passed a hobo lying on the sidewalk taking a nice nap while face down and bleeding and covered in excrement?  I guess it's one thing to catch your neighbor smoking a joint and getting in on it (that's what everyone else would do, right?) but another thing entirely to see a human arm sticking out of the local eccentric's wood chipper and assuming it's another one of those Film Noir pieces he's always filming.
    Also, when we were taken through all that sweet-ass lobotomy information, I had to wonder (and this might be a little harsh) why aren't we still doing that?  It seems like the better option when the death penalty is put on the table.  Or life in prison, making shanks out of spoons and being man-handled by a rough trick named Jim.  Not only would they be incapable of most heinous crimes, and not only could they be rehabilitated into somewhat functioning members of society (maybe), but it would certainly be a deterrent to a lot of would-be criminals.  I mean, look what it did for Frances Farmer!  She was productive as fuck after her (alleged) lobotomy!
    I suppose in the end, while the book was thought provoking as hell, and there were enough disgusting scenes to keep me flipping though the pages, the writing style itself left me cold and I had a tough time getting into it.  Wandering mind and all that.  Obviously.