Mar 12 - Mar 16, 2012 The BigheadEdward LeeHorrorPublished 1992 274 pages8/10 Deep in the woods of Luntville (did you say...? Ooooohhhhh, Luntville.... Carry on) there lives a man-beast called the Bighead. His cranium is the size and shape of a watermelon, one eye is the size of a grapefruit while the other is the size of a grape, and his teeth look like carpet needles. He rapes and kills nearly every person he... comes across (heh heh) with his gigantic monster penis and usually proceeds to eat parts of them, and he's going to visit some lovely people staying at a nearby B&B... "Bighead didn't know! He didn't know doodly-squat! He were a deformed, woods-rompin', brain-eatin', pussy-bustin' retart." I heard a lot of lore and urban legends about this book - it was supposed to be the nastiest, most disgusting, most graphic read out there. Obviously, I HAD to have it, but I could never find the damn thing. Luckily (unluckily?) for me, I was able to get it via the glory of the internetz and finally able to see what all the fuss was about. And my oh my, the fuss was well deserved!WARNING! EXTREMELY GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD! COVER YOUR EYES, CONSERVATIVE FACTION OF THE INTERNET! OR CLICK HERE! I mean, rednecks kidnap and rape an elderly woman in her colostomy bag hole (I found out this was called a stoma from a customer at work... Reason #897 I love working at a Weed Store - I could never discuss these things at a straight job). Nuns throw physics to the wayside and piss up a preacher's ass. The Bighead rapes and kills a pregnant girl, sucks the baby out of her vagina and eats its brains. I'm not making this shit up, people. And I can see why this book caused a stir. Not only was it a bloody gore-o-rama, but there was a discernible plot and an honest to goodness mystery to keep my brain limber. It was a little confusing at times, and occasionally convoluted, but it was still a real plot. I consider that a grand gesture for this genre. I was entertained, and even more so than usual, because I could describe certain acts throughout my read to disgusted friends, family, and one oddly unruffled head shop customer. There were some editing issues, but I've found that to be pretty prevalent in e-books. I don't know what the fucking deal is with that - something must be getting lost in translation - but the majority of e-books I read are fucked in some way or another. I could go on, but the Bighead is what it is, and it's simply this: a nasty-ass bit of literature (can I even use that word here?) to help a girl procrastinate. Chores? What chores? I'm reading here! Do you want me to tell you about it? This guy here, he's got a monster cock, see... Oh wait, wrong book...
Feb 21 - Feb 26, 2012
The Devil Next Door
Tim Curran
Horror
Published 2009
333 pages
5.5/10
During an average normal day, people go about their business just as they always do. But suddenly, and without warning, bloodlust enrages nearly every man, woman, and child, and civilization falls in a matter of hours. For the few lone folks who have kept their wits about them, danger is everywhere; but when night falls, things take a turn for the worse...
Senseless is the best word I can think of to describe this book. Without rhyme or reason, people go absolutely ballistic; every other page is an orgy of blood, rape, violence, and/or cannibalism. Generally, that kind of thing appeals to me. I adore the nasty stuff. But a couple of aspects made it somewhat difficult for me to really properly enjoy this book.
First off (and most definitely the biggest offender) I found it VERY repetitive. Not only did the same basic scenes play themselves out over and over again (person discovers neighbor/loved one/friend has gone crazy; person goes crazy and eviscerates family member/beloved pet/stranger; etc.) but the author also used a lot of the same metaphors, phrasing, and words with jarring regularity. The word 'altruistic' came up so many times that I could almost anticipate when I would see it again. And the comparisons of the crazy people to dogs or animals were just kind of smashed into your psyche at every turn. I get it. People have regressed. You don't have to keep telling me. I haven't regressed. In fact, I have a fully functioning frontal lobe. Yeesh.
I wasn't super keen on the writing (editing errors here and there, no commas where I would have put commas, unnecessary italics) but it was still generally understandable.
Another serious offender was that it took almost 200 pages before the plot really went anywhere. Hey, don't get me wrong, I love mayhem as much as the next guy... probably ever more than the next guy, if he's normal. But seriously man, GET TO THE FUCKIN' POINT.
Once it picked up though, it went rolling well enough that I read the last third in a third of the time it took me to read the first two thirds (while traveling twice the speed it takes me to get to Nap City on the Comfy Couch Express). There were also scenery changes and even some character development. And I'll freely admit it: I liked the gore. The ending was a pretty good culmination of the book as a whole, and I probably enjoyed the final scene most out of the entire story.
If you're a skimmer with a twisted mind, you'll really like this book. Definitely more than I did, but then again, I can't skim. Either.
Nov 7 - Nov 9, 2011
Apeshit
Carlton Mellick III
Splatterpunk/Horror
Published October 2008
178 pages
6.5/10
A group of sexy teens go on a camping trip. Tame enough when explained like that, right? But I should probably mention that these sexy teens are into threesomes, sex changes, fetishes I'm actually not comfortable describing on THIS blog so you KNOW they're fucked up, and one even suffers from vagina dentata AKA pussy teefs. And this camping trip is in a section of the woods where nothing seems to die but EVERYTHING gets horrifically mutilated, and happens to be inhabited by psychotic mutant freaks.
Yup, just some sexy camping teens.
You know, I don't even know where to begin.
This was a WEIRD fuckin' book. It was gross, too, and well written, But FUCKIN' WEIRD first and foremost.
I mean, the whole situation was completely preposterous and outlandish from the get go, which works so damn well that when you happen to pick the book up and start skimming the first page, you can't help but start reading. Which is exactly what happened to me. And because the story is divided up into neat little bite sized chunks (ew, visual) you just end up burning through the damn thing... except when you know something absolutely hideous is about to happen, and you have to take a breather to mentally prepare (Which I actually had to do. Me - lover of all things gory. That says something about this story, right there.) before you plunge on ahead. Plus, it's written well enough that you just burn through the thing without realizing it. Really, it was a super quick read.
The characters were all total freaks. Some more so than others. I mean, the least freaky people were the cheerleader with a mohawk and multiple tattoos into threesomes with her two bisexual boyfriends, and the dude who's dad banged an underage male prostitute in front of him. And then kindly offered him a turn. To cure him of his fear of homosexuals. Again, these were the two most NORMAL characters.
The situation they were all in was completely ridiculous - hunted by freaks in a forest where everything's been doused with a little Death Becomes Her juice.
 It's all so outlandish that you just can't look away. Like scene hair, or Chatroulette.
It was a read, all right. Great ending, fucking weird as fuck, offended my senseless sensibilities, and I could most definitely wait on reading any more by this author. I'm honestly afraid if I read too much, it might ruin regular gore for me.
Sep 30 - Oct 1, 2011
Kat Rides the Iron Men
Christine Michaels
Old West Erotica
Published Feb 2010
163 pages
6/10
It's the Old West, and a woman named Kat has to save her home from creditors after her parents die. Although she has a younger sister to look out for, Kat leaves for more lucrative parts, so she can use the poker skills her dearly departed pa impressed upon her to save the family home. Meanwhile, lovers Gideon and Nathan have been hoping to add a woman's touch, so to speak, to their manly coupling, and Gideon just so happens to meet the ever passionate Kat at a poker table...
I love dirty-ass smut as much as the next guy - possibly more so, even. Unless the next guy just so happens to be the weird dude who used to come into the used book store I worked at; he would take a stack of historical romance novels into the washroom and not come out for 20 minutes at a time. Eventually he was caught jerkin' it by one of the staffers who forgot he was in there. No lie. He may like dirty-ass smut more than I do. But only just barely.
This was basically smut with a loose (Ha!) plot line holding it all together. There was a bit of a build up to the first encounter, and then each subsequent encounter became more and more daring, until the final... climax.
The dirty parts were written well enough that reading it at work proved to be somewhat... distracting. I always seemed to be interrupted during the juiciest bits, and would find myself looking up from a wild, no-holes-barred threesome... right into the eyes of some delicious looking guy and his buddies. Christ. If only they knew what I was reading! If it was a porno movie, there would have definitely been some gettin' it on. My one criticism of the sex scenes is that the author's repeated use of the term "weeping pussy" really kind of grossed me out. You know what I think when I hear the term "weeping"? I think "weeping sores". Fucking gross.
The characters were the basic stock types. Aggressive and rough guy. Cool and collected guy. And headstrong stubborn chick, who happened to piss me off to no end because she was totally irrational and wishy-washy. None of them really drew me in, but they had all the necessary genitalia, so they were kind of necessary, I guess.
The non-smut bits were basically filler. I couldn't have really cared less about what was going on when they weren't coupling (or tripling) but I understand that those parts are what build the story line, tension, and characters. But it wasn't written particularly well, and it was kind of jerky, so it wasn't that integral for me.
It was what it was. Smut. Personally, I'd like something just all around better (Maybe one of those paranormal romances that Cara always raves about?) but I didn't have very high expectations of this book (Well, I mean, the female protagonist's name IS Kat, though, so I was hoping it would be passable) and I wasn't really super disappointed.
Sep 22 - Sep 25, 2011
Inside the Outside
Martin Lastrapes
Horror
Published July 9, 2011
292 pages
10/10
Somewhere outside Vegas, a happy little commune practices regular full-body shaving, the sharing of sex partners and child-rearing, and ritual sacrifice to provide for cannibalism. All this is overseen by their glorious virile leader, who is leading them to salvation. And possibly the human version of Mad Cow Disease. Seems like my kind of party.
Cara and I found this story in our inbox; the author wondered if we'd perhaps read and review it. Sure, I thought. As soon as I get an E-Reader. And wade through the other requests. And maybe check out some of my other books. I'd get to it. Eventually.
Then Cara mentioned the cannibals. And I got a kobo. And of course I had to learn how to load the thing, and Inside the Outside wound up being the first thing that came up when I turned on my kobo. And I did recall the cannibals, so even though I had reservations about reading something free (People don't give away awesome stuff! If it's free, there must be something wrong with it!) I gave it a go... and I'm so freakin' glad I did!
I picked this story up, and I literally could not put it down. I was reading it at work. I was reading it at a party last night. I fell asleep in bed with it in my hands at 2AM two nights in a row. I was totally hooked, and reading at every possible second. Honestly, I wish all my reading experiences were like this; I'd burn through WAY more books.
First off, the subject matter is right up my alley. Cannibal cults? Human sacrifice? Uninhibited sex? Prostitution and pornography?! Can I get a double helping splashed with gore gravy and incest sprinkles?! I can?! Because that's my favorite! This book literally included all the elements of the "gross" and "weird" and "inappropriate for a birthday party" books that I LOVE to read (occasionally out loud).
I found myself excited by all of the characters - the charismatic cult leader who loves to fuck, kill, and eat people; the sweet, gentle homosexual pornographer and his stripper-cum-internet-sensation companion; the crooked cop with an all-too-human secret; even the minor characters added interesting little detours. When an underage girl slits her own throat because her lover's been publicly decapitated, you know you've got an exciting story. And our female protagonist is one cool cat indeed. Timber was raised a corpse mutilating cannibal, and I love that she never really grows out of that. She doesn't generally feel shame or remorse for who she was, and who she has become. She simply is who she is. She eats people. Tough titties.
Maybe I like this, and Timber, so much because I find cannibalism and it's social taboos fascinating. I personally can see no issue with eating human flesh, since as a society, we eat animal flesh all the time, and humans are just another fleshy animal. And while I myself have no interest in sampling the delicacies of "long pig" ("I am a vegetarian you know..." she said, snobbishly) I certainly don't judge others who do. As long as it's consensual, obviously.
 As a side note, if, like myself, you have an interest in stuff like this, check out this sweet ass documentary I watched on Netflix- "Keep The River On Your Right" chronicles Tobias Schneebaum's trek through the wilds of Peru, where he engages in many grand adventures, including eating human flesh, participating in tribal attacks, and taking a life companion, who also happens to be another man. Schneebaum comes across as an incredibly sweet and intelligent man, who partook in some motherfucking AMAZING adventures, the likes of which we could only dream about. He ate human flesh, and he's cool (and hard) as fuck. Seriously. Watch this.
 Plus, Woodhouse from Archer eats long pig, and he is also cool (and hard) as fuck. This whole review is almost a peer pressure ad for cannibalism. I wouldn't recommend it though: I'm pretty sure it's illegal in a lot of places.
My point is, Timber accepts herself for who she is, and our author is willing to let this book stand on its awesomeness, instead of trying to turn it into some namby-pamby "overcoming the horrible nature of her upbringing to discover the error of her ways, repent, and persevere to find the inner goodness that we all have inside of us" Oprah-esque bullshit. The story is good; it doesn't require that kind of schmaltz to make it digestible for the masses.
That doesn't mean that it's not an easy read, though. I flew through the damn thing. There was tons of action to keep me interested; enough contemplations and musings for me to get to know, and therefore care about the characters, but not so much that I got bored; and everyone just kind of dealt with their shit up front and moved on, like how normal human beings should.
As this book was set up in two parts, I worried that it would all go downhill once I finished the first part, which was so badass and all encompassing that it could have easily been a stand alone novella. Really, I didn't know how the author could live up to the standard I set for him. When I started Part Two, I thought, "Oh boy, here it comes, a bunch of real world assimilation bullshit and the inevitable change of heart and the real world mediocre dullness." Luckily, I was totally wrong, and my fears were completely unfounded, because there was still plenty of murder, sex (Even the gay kind! Excellent!) and corruption. What a relief!
If I had to express any complaint with this book whatsoever, I would have to say I'm not so shit hot for the cover. It made me think this was a sci-fi book, for whatever reason. I kind of thought it was a robot or something. Now that I've read the book, I totally get it. Except for why she's holding a feather duster. That I still don't get. But if that's the only fault I can find with a book, I'm counting myself fortunate.
I was sent this book, to review, for free, and it was FUCKING EXCELLENT. It gives me hope and encouragement that free stuff can be awesome, to try out those neat free downloads from unknowns that I keep coming across, and that maybe, just maybe, I'll eventually find a use for those painting I snagged off the curb two months ago.
May 25 - May 30, 2011
Monster: The Autobiography of an LA Gang Member
Sanyika Shakur aka Monster Kody Scott
Non-Fiction/Biography
Published
1993
383 pages
9/10
Sanyika Shakur aka Monster Kody Scott invites us to follow him from his initiation into the uber notorious Crips of South Central as a preteen, his rise through the ranks to claim the title of Ghetto Star for his acts of violence and depravity, up to his time in prison for (some of) said acts where he conducted a remarkable about face to become a revolutionary activist in the New Afrikan Independence Movement.
I live in a small town (technically it's a city, but only something akin to four square blocks worth of city, otherwise we're surrounded by town) full of farmland, horses, and lifetime residents. When they ask where I went to school (because they figure I went to school with SOMEONE they know) and I say, "Just off Hastings in East Van," I'm met with admiration for my inborn street cred and legitimacy. This guy, this guy though... he is Too Legit. Some might say...
Monster Kody Scott was a huge driving force in the South Central Crips and spent years in correctional facilities; somehow, instead of letting these influences work against him in a negative manner, he used them to harden himself into a revolutionary and helped inspire others to end black-on-black violence. Sure, he turned his focus from rival gangs to... well... whitey, but whitey is pretty much the man who's keeping him and his brother down. And while I can't say I can identify with the type of extreme persecution he (and others like him) face, I certainly can acknowledge it and understand his reasoning. I also appreciate how prison doesn't make him do an about face of personality *like finding Jesus, cough cough, claiming a healing of the soul, cough cough, early parole, cough cough* but instead just helps him focus his rage from people in his community (rival bangers) to those trying to oppress his community (the Man). He's still a Monster, but the good kind - like Frankenstein, or Wolverine.
The amount of violence he experiences is phenomenal. In retaliation for a kidnapping, rape, and stabbing of a fellow gangster's family member, he cuts off a guy's arms at the elbows and carries one around for a trophy for Christ's sake! And that was during his late teens. You know what I was doing in my late teens? Telemarketing and trick-or-treating.
I was definitely riveted, and just pored through the book. The wording was slightly confusing, and it got a little heavy for me towards the end, but if anyone has the right to an advanced style of vocabulary and musings over life lessons learned, it's this guy.
I highly recommend this book, and while you're reading it, work on your c-walking, suckas.
Apr 19 - Apr 25, 2011
Pandora Drive
Tim Waggoner
Horror
Published April 2006
370 pages
9/10
Damara has the power to make people's fantasies come to life; and apparently everyone she knows is a sick fuck. Now Damara must rescue her friends from giant naked butterflies and pedophiles in an abandoned amusement park.
This was a fantastic read - I burned through this faster than over-protective parents through Beatles albums. And in my (and the book's) defense, I would have been done a lot sooner if I didn't have not one, but two majorly sociable holidays to attend while I perused this - 4:20 AND Easter Weekend AKA working at a head shop on Stoner Christmas and a long first-sunny-one-of-the-year weekend so we partied the fuck out of our new house and climbed the roof shittered kind of time. I was trying to get chapters in when I could barely see straight - Pandora Drive was that enthralling. It was everything I want: quick, dirty, and coherent.
To begin with, it was super fast paced because there was constant action, which made it really easy to just become engrossed and fall into the story. I love a book where I can just burn through 50-some-odd pages without clock-watching or checking to see how many pages I have left to go until the end. This sucker just moved like a sonofabitch!
The subject matter was a big help with swiftness as well. The focus wasn't on thoughts and feelings, it was on the horror. THE HORROR. Pandora Drive was gory and visceral as FUCK. Pretty much every single page had something disturbing and disgusting on it, and I knew I was in for something truly messed up when, by page six, it was already describing stiff nipples. And not just any sexy teen stiff nipples, but PRE-TEEN stiff nipples. Yeah, Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here and all that jazz. From there it went on to a mutant freak show at Starbucks, monsters in the drain, four foot cocks, eye socket vaginas... the list is endless, from one outlandishly offensive situation to the next. And Waggoner's not one to mince words, so it was all very descriptive and graphic... someone with an imagination like mine would either love this book, or stage a protest while writing letters to their congressman and praying for redemption.
To top it off, somehow there was a fairly well-developed, if somewhat simplistic, storyline. We arrived at a definite conclusion; it was just a shit-ton of fun getting there. There were few taboos left unexplored, and that's how I like my books - shocking, disgusting, gory, and fast. Like my first time, but without me whiling the time away by checking out the monster truck posters on the ceiling. BA-ZING!
Jan 12 - Jan 16, 2011 The End of Alice A. M. Homes General Fuction (typo STAYS) Published 1996 271 pages 10/10 When a woman who likes to touch young boys starts up a correspondence with an imprisoned man who likes to touch little girls, a disturbing relationship is formed and nurtured. Classy. If a book upsets you, is it bad reading or good? Because while I found this story to be thrillingly great, it also bothered me. On a basic level, it's ridiculously well written, especially abundant in alliteration and rife with rhyme; wildly witty when considering crime. Ahem. As I was saying, the author puts stylus to parchment real nice. Our girl is a tough nut to swallow (ha, ha, haaaa...) but I don't know if that's our author, our protagonist (who admits he embellishes) or me - maybe I'm biased because I identify with our thoroughly screwed up leading lady, but I could never imagine taking such a risk, and to be so cavalier about it! Sure, I've imagined kicking a loved one or two down a flight of stairs, but I'd probably never do it. There'd be too many radicals and free agents to consider. But it's as though she knew she wouldn't be punished for her substantial crimes! Maybe it's that wacky old double standard at work (if a man makes it with a kid, the guy's a pervy old man, but if a woman makes it with a kid, that kid deserves a righteous high five! Case in point: this, this, and this) but I'm sure you know what I mean) or maybe she was just hopped up on the sweet sweet nectar of... Jesus, never mind. So while I find her hard to believe, I won't hold my preconceived notions against her. Now, our incarcerated man friend, him I believe. He's clearly the above average intelligence, below average sanity type. I get that. His evolution as a character is wonderful - from kindly corresponding with adamant admirers, to marinated in menstrual blood. Awesome. As a whole, I can see why people would see a parallel between The End of Alice and Lolita (because all pedophiles are the same) but I found this book to be vastly different: our children are no precocious, confused teens (Alice seems this side of crazy, and Matt is... well... a 12 -year-old boy) our adults are no lonesome heartsick gentleman (what's-her-face is a sullen wiener and Chappy is fucking insane) and The End of Alice is no love story. Also, this is far more graphic than Lolita. Lolita teased. Alice dry-humps your face. In fact, I find this book somewhat crude (me, of all people, find it crude)! But I genuinely like Chappy for his shocking behavioral fallacy. I have no sympathy for him (or her, either) like I had for Humbert, but I like Chappy's complications and affectations. It's a beautiful, very insightful (you'll see what I mean when Chappy chats with you) piece of work. I liked it as a whole; beginning, middle, and especially the well-done ending. Bravo.
Jan 3 - Jan 5, 2011
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Hunter S. Thompson
Gonzo Journalism
Published 1972
204 pages
10/10
A Gonzo Journalist and his Samoan attorney crash Vegas in a Great Red Shark on a drug-fueled bender, on the pretense of writing a legitimate article. FOR REALS.
Fear and Loathing is a trippy tome. The style, the subject matter, the suicidally-high levels of drug use, the adventures; it's all insane.
Reading this is intense - the format is stream of consciousness (short blunt chapters, paragraphs, and sentences and totally unreal at times) but the actual writing itself is pure gonzo journalism. Facts facts facts, no matter how ludicrous and outlandish, no matter hoe depraved and violent, no matter how impossible and hallucinatory. All told from the front and center. Other journalists watch, Thompson LIVES.
No one, BUT NO ONE, could do what this man does - metaphorically and literally. The style is instantly recognizable, and the things he's done would have landed a normal, decent human being in a variety of undesirable locations ... the type without easy escape routes. He writes so candidly of his excessive drug use, all the highs (watching lizard people eat each other in an orgy of blood in a casino) as well as lows (vomiting into your shoes while naked in a closet) that while it should discourage the average person contemplating a dabble in the dark side, it just kind of makes me think, "Man, I can get my hands on some serious narcotics, but I will never get my hands on this kind of AWESOME. Not only did drugs give him a great experience, they didn't in any way hinder the reporting of said experience. DRUGS ARE AWESOME." Honestly, it makes me want to do drugs right now (although I do have to work tomorrow and then go to the strippers). But I don't think this book was ever meant to be a deterrent... really, Thompson seemed the type to encourage heavy drug use. But now I'm just speculating.
I find everything he writes about all very legitimate. Obviously the hallucinations seem pretty well cut and dried drug-induced, but the introspection, the wild emotional mood-swings, they also speak of heavy mental brain stimulation. And not the kind you get from discussing your love for the Lord with the bake sale ladies. The only things I have trouble with are the things they get away with. Christ. But to be fair, they were living in a different era. Hell, I know people who could smoke on planes. Now you can't even light up an electronic cigarette on a plane because it could incite a riot or some such bullshit. But you know what? I'm GLAD they got away with it. SOMEBODY had to live a Grand Adventure, and honestly, I'm too much of a weenie to do it myself. No honey, you can't use that here! The flight instruction manual says not to!
As with all books I've read over and over again, there was the ever present sense of "Get The Hell On With It Already!" syndrome, but it generally wasn't as bad as usual with this book, probably because Fear and Loathing is one of those action packed, easy to whiz through reads.
Amazing AMAZING book. Fantastic adventure. Incredible reporter. DOPE.
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