Jan 25 - Jan 30, 2012

Lothaire
Kresley Cole
Paranormal Romance
Published Jan 2012
468 pages

9/10

  Lothaire, Enemy of Old, is a mad Vampire of Royal lineage - he's kicking ass and taking names (in his ancient ledger of Blood Debts) and is hell bent on taking control of the Vampire Kingdoms... by force.  Elizabeth Peirce is a foxy backwoods piece who, unfortunately, is possessed by the spirit of the homicidal goddess Saroya and has landed on Death Row.  Lothaire intends to wed Saroya in Elizabeth's body, once he gets rid of her pesky soul.  But Lothaire begins to feel conflicted in his plans, because Elizabeth makes him all kinds of hot in all his lusty (and well-endowed) Vampire parts, and Soaroya... well, Saroya only has one thing on her mind and it's a lot more decapitations and a lot less lovin'...

  I'll level with you - this is the first adult paranormal romance I've ever read.  Really, the only one I've ever read, if you don't count Twilight (which I'm sure most people wouldn't).  But Simon & Schuster sent me this book at the beginning of the month, and I figured I could use a break from my usual fare (zombies); so what better way to start than with some random book from the post office?
  From what I could gather, there was a whole slew of other books from this particular Universe, but I didn't feel like an uneducated asshole for not having read them; instead there were allusions to other characters and plots (as opposed to referencing things mysteriously and adding footnotes like *Buy book 5 for the explanation!*) that seemed... pretty interesting, actually. 
  This book was super easy to read; every character was individual and well developed with their own back story (another reason why I'll read more from this series) and the Universe itself was badass - there were so many types of supernatural creatures with different legends and it all comes across as really new and exciting.
  Lothaire as a character was fun to read about; he's ridiculously handsome, rich beyond measure, violent, mentally imbalanced, and completely sex crazed.  My kind of dude.  Elizabeth was kind of standard romance fare (I have read a couple of historical romances in my time): spunky, unpredictable, and a babe.  She seemed a little stereotypical at first; stay strong, keep it together, don't cry out loud...

  Sorry, couldn't resist.  Any time I can work a reference from that movie into my life, I will. 
  Anyways, Elizabeth evolved from from that kind of well-done sticht, and definitely grew on me.  She definitely put that badass in... badass a time or two.  The other characters were a neat mix of old-timey traditional and uber modern Valley/Hipster/Punk.  Another neat take on things (the mixing of mediums, as it were) and another reason why I want to read more of these.
  As for the sex and violence?  Lots of sex, and not a shit load of violence, but it all worked for me.  The sex was nice and graphic (and bizarre at times, which is a plus) and there was just enough violence to keep my interest piqued and the action moving along.  I say this as a hardcore horror junkie (Just put it in my veins!) but nice, normal readers my find it all pretty intense. 
  There was a weird spot towards the end where I was expecting everything to work out, while instead it got pretty messy (severed fingers and shriveled hearts, anyone?) where I was a little wigged out (My first time reading a proper Paranormal Romance and it deviated from the formula?  What?!) but everything came together pretty dang well, in my opinion.  For the most part.
  I really liked that, at the end, while the book did wrap itself up in more specific terms (majority of major conflicts resolved, etc.) it ended in such a way that there was an opening left for another book, which I'd love to read. 
  Kresley Cole did a good job - great characters, well developed Universe, lots of dirty nasty sex, and she's funny, which made this book a lot of fun.  And that's what reading is supposed to be (at least some of the time) right? 
  Honestly, I think I found a new favorite author, but check back with me after I've read a few more...

Jan 14 - Jan 18, 2012

77 Shadow Street
Dean Koontz
Horror/Sci Fi
Published 2011
382 pages

9/10

  The Pendleton is a stately old mansion that has been converted into luxury apartments for the wealthy elite.  It boasts Oriental rugs, a full swimming pool, and a horrific past dredged in bloodshed and insanity.  But don't be deceived, because 77 Shadow Street is no mere haunted house, and the current residents are about to be thrust into a world overseen by something far more terrifying than ghosts...

  I LIKE this book.
  It's totally bizarre and unpredictable, it dragged ass on occasion, and had too many characters; but I don't give a fuck.  I like it.
  I think the overwhelming reason why I have such affection for 77 Shadow Street is because I stepped into this thinking, "I haven't read a good haunted house story since twenty-ought-six.  This will seem new and exciting, therefore I'm down." and I plunged in like there were no fucks to be given.

  Swiftly I began to realize that this was no haunted house story in the traditional sense (no more than Epic Meal Time is a cooking show) but more of a super fucked up "This kitchen could really use a woman's touch." a la The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror kind of house.

  And then I really got reading and realized I had NO IDEA what I had gotten myself into when I cracked this sucker.
  I'll admit, I had kind of an inkling where things were headed four fifths of the way through, and was right in the broad sense.  But as far as specifics?  I'm STILL not quite sure exactly what happened and I don't think I got the license plate of that truck that hit me.I have to be honest; I was kind of waffling on whether I really liked all that much, or if I just thought it was OK.  Like I said, there was such a profusion of characters that sometimes, when I was going through a particular set of circumstances or experiences a half dozen or a dozen times, I sort of wanted to shoot myself in the face. 

_OK, mildly melodramatic, but I was growing less than amused at some points.  Also, Koontz occasionally repeats himself.  Though I can live with that, as I live in a mini-enclave of stoners, and we are notorious for telling the same story over and over and over again.  Hey, to be fair, it's hard to keep track of who you have and haven't told the amusing anecdote about the time...
  Anyways, couple those wee irritations with a final course of schmaltz, and you get a mighty waffling Kat.  But you know what did it for me?  What tipped me over the edge of "Pretty Good' into straight-up "DAMN!  This is fine Reading!' with an extra helping of awesome?  The fact that A) Koontz gives a contact address so you can write him (He's not too good for us little peoples!) and B) He mentions his dog in the dedication, who he also wrote a book about.  And yes, I know you all assumed Wikipedia was the most accurate place to score all your info:

  But Koontz is the guy, not the dog. 
  Anyways, Trixie (his dog) passed away, but Dean hasn't forgotten her, and is keeping her name alive via dedications, books, and her own spot on his website.  Hell, he's even got a spot on there so you can donate to the organization that Trixie came from, as Trixie was a retired companion animal. 
  Shiz, you guys.  I'm tearing up a little right now.  Don't judge me.
  So to sum it up, Dean Koontz writes scary weird, lets his fans send him locks of their hair, and loves his passed away dog.  And on this day, my Grinch heart grew three sizes, and I found just a little more love for this book.
  Or I just might be ovulating.  But I'd like to think it's love.
  And just so you don't think I got too sappy, I'll leave you with some of my favorite Eic Meal Time videos (I made a version of the cake with girlfriends once... wait, did I already tell you that story?)

  And the first one I ever saw (and my all time favorite):

Dec 29, 2011 - Jan 2, 2012 (We're in the future, man!)

The Good Humor Man
Andrew Fox
Sci-Fi/Dystopian Future
Published 2009
267 pages

9/10

  In the near future, everyone is thin and fattening foods are not only shunned, they're actually illegal (at which point I would kill myself).  Good Humor Men live to destroy these evil foods, but Louis Schmaltzberg, original Good Humor Man, retired liposuctionist, and son of the man who liposuctioned Elvis himself, begins to doubt his current career.  When a macabre piece of his family legacy draws the attention of a myriad of powers, Louis goes on the run and attempts to save the world.

  Fuckin' weird.  Not senselessly weird, like Carlton Mellick III (not that he's not incredible in his own right) or British humor (I just don't get that shit) but weird like... I don't know what, exactly.  The closest approximation I can come to is... Sideways Stories From Wayside School. 

  It's very well done weirdness, I can tell you that much.  Every bizarre element wound up having an integral part in the story, somehow.  Which is actually mighty impressive when you consider that some key plot points are: Elvis Presley's belly fat in a jar; a mysterious government funded wasting disease;  a 500lb food Nazi and his clones; and a church dedicated to the cannula.  Imagine, if you will for a moment, being heavily intoxicated and lying in a bed with 3 other people while trying to explain this book.  There was a lot of yelling, and nothing was in order.  I was yelling, by the way, because by yelling, I was making my points more clear.
  For all the weirdness, it was a simple book.  A quandary was presented, the protagonist made the choice (well, the author made it for him, but bear with me here) to take it upon himself to rectify it.  Basically: 

  No midway moral quandaries, no deceptions or feints, no multi-layered multi-leveled plot lines, just an old fashioned straightforward dystopian future adventure.  Which is kind of what does it for me.
  It felt like it dragged ass a little bit on occasion, but adventure always popped up when it was needed most, so in retrospect, it was more awesome than not.  It was one of those incredibly quick and fun, like making sweet sweet love to the Ultimate Indulgence. 
  Simple (yet complicated) and fun (yet disturbing).  I liked it. 

  Thanks mucho MUCHO much to Colum over at Dreadful Tales, who sent this to me! 
                                                   He reviews it HERE, so go check it out!

Dec 27 - Dec 28, 2011

Vanishing Hope
Tobin Elliott
Horror
Published 2011
53 pages

9/10

  Talia is a frustrated 9-year-old girl with some rage issues.  When she discovers a malevolent book of unimaginable power, Talia finally finds a way to express herself, much to the misfortune of those who cause her grief.

  I wanted it to be longer.  I wanted more details, I wanted to read more about Talia and her activities, and I DEFINITELY want to read the next book. 
  The writing was pretty excellent (only ONE possible typo!)  and the characters were well-rounded and realistic.  I liked that you would see characters from their own point of view and then Talia's; the differences in perception were intriguing. 
  The only character I had trouble with was Talia herself.  I can't say that I actually liked her.  At all.  She started out a bitch and really only developed into a bigger, angrier, more violent bitch. 

  Seriously though, you should call these guys up and donate.  Or go to the website and donate.  Whatever.  Just do it, and help animals.  Not only is it Canadian and local to my province (us folk from BC are pretty dope) and not only is helping animals pretty much the nicest thing ever, but if you do it, we could totally write your name on our boobs and give you mad cred, via your name on our boobs.  Or something equally awesome.
Help animals = see some boobies.  Simple as that.

Nov 24, 2011

Devil's Creek
Paul Maitrejean
Horror
Published 2011
19 pages

9/10

  Stranded in Devil's Creek by a raging storm, Erika discovers that there's far more to old legends than she could have possibly imagined...

  You know why I liked this so much?  Because every time I thought I had this book figured out, I was wrong.  And not because the story was intentionally misleading, but because books generally follow a certain formula, which is as follows:
                                                You think the story is about THIS?!
                                                       Well it's really about THAT!

  Therefore, I kept looking for the next twist or deception, but because it really was what it was laid out to be, I kept finding myself more shocked by this story than I am by most stories with "twist" endings (hint: it's not a twist if a drunk third-grader can figure it out after a night of hard partying).  By the time I had settled into taking it all (heh heh) at face value, it kicked me in the lady parts with an epically clever and unexpected twist that brought it all together, and took Devil's Creek from a neat little story up to a fuckin' clever story.  To be fair, the ending was pretty damn subtle, and it took me a few minutes and some backtracking to put it all together and work it out (this really was a case of "The Purloined Letter" so to speak) but when I did, I went from feeling mildly disgruntled by my own stupidity, to feeling very clever indeed. 
  As for the writing itself, it was somewhere between good and very good; it could have been slightly more detailed, but I did just finish reading Stephen King, so I could be considered slightly biased.   

Nov 10 - Nov 11, 2011

The New Death and others
James Hutchings
Anthology
Published 2011
102 pages

9/10

  A large collection of rather short short stories of the most clever sort.

  Normally, when I review an anthology, I like to review each individual story by writing the synopsis and then doing a paragraph on what I thought of it.
  But there are, like, A HUNDRED stories, and this review would end up being longer than the book itself, and fuck that.  I'm not ready to commit to writing a goddamn book at this time of night.  It's already 2AM and I have to be up early to take naked pictures of a very dear hot friend of mine.  True story. 
  So instead, I'll divvy the book up into section by genre, and list the notable stories.

  1) Witticisms and Cleverness
   This dude is witty as hell, and he's great with puns.  You could say he's very... punny.  Oh, sorry.  I misspelled that.  I meant funny.
  -The Morning Post

  2) If there's anything this dude does even better than witty, it's ripping our current society to shreds.  I fuckin' LOVE IT.  And it's not that he does it in a crude way, like a Pamela Anderson roast (I still can't believe the things they said to Courtney Love)but more so in a just damn observant way, like prostitutes in Australia.

 -The God of the Poor
 -The Enemy Within
 -The Doom That Was Laid Upon Fame
 -Monsters
 -The Perfect Woman
 -The Auto-Pope
 -Untitled

  3) Old Timey Legends
  You like epic sagas?  I don't.  But these ones are short enough to be entertaining for me.  Small miracle.
 -Rumpelstiltskin

  4) Poetry
  You know what I don't like MORE than epic, long-winded sagas?  Poetry.  Hate the stuff.  Bizarre, intelligible, random-words-strung-together-in-an-attempt-to-be-artsy rubbish.  Look, I'll do some right now, literally off the top of my head:

                                                                    Blue plate.
                                                                No hope of faith.
                                                                                                                            Where?
                Where.
                                                              Mother, I see you.
                                                                   Is it still here?
                                                                  My pants hurt.

  See?  Fuck poetry.  Generally. 
  This poetry?  Like a regular story, with a beginning, middle, and end... that just happens to rhyme.  Good show. 
 -The Prince of the Howling Forest
 -Weary Love
 -The Garden of Adompha
 -The Lamb's Speech
 -That Which Unites Us

  Last of all, there's a story that doesn't fit into any of those categories, exactly.  'Todd' is... very disturbing.  Possibly my favorite of the bunch.  You'll most definitely have to read it, and then you'll understand.

  All in all, this was a great little collection that you could read just for yourself, or read bits of to others so you can feel smug about all the clever books you busy yourself with.
 

Aug 14 - Aug 18, 2011

Remember Me 2: The Return
Christopher Pike
YA Horror
Published Sep 1994
210 pages

9/10

  Shari Cooper is back, and this time she's found a body to help her get around the physical plane.  Luckily, she's inhabiting a foxy 18-year-old Latina, as opposed to, say, an average person of non-remarkable attractiveness and older than late teens/early twenties.  Fate worse than death in teen novels, I tell ya.

  First off, this is really more like two books -  one is the story blurbed on the back of the book; the other is more like a Spiritual Guidance Handbook.  Both are appealing, and they fit together quite swimmingly. 
  The story in Remember Me 2 continues on from the first book (duh) placing Shari Cooper's ghost into the newly vacated body of an ethnic girl from the wrong side of the tracks.  All stereotypes aside, I'm pretty stoked that we get to have a protagonist who isn't white; they're kind of rare, at least in the books I'm coming across.  And can I just say, Jean Rodrigues was pretty badass, at least before she vacated her Earthly vessel.  Smoking weed, having sex, partying with her lesbian best friend - I'm actually pretty impressed.  Shari's takeover definitely wussified Jean.  I mean, it all worked out for the better, but still...  Jean seemed like a pretty cool character, in and of herself.
  I also noticed that they didn't really get into the evil opposing force mentioned in the back blurb, but there is clearly a third book, so it's common sense that it's coming (it's coming, it's coming).  Kind of like George Washington: 

  The other part of the book is centered around ghost Shari in some sort of awesome alternate realm that's kind of like heaven, but with less angels and more... well...
  If Chris Hansen from 'To Catch a Predator' and the Alien from 'Alien' got together and ate some MDMA, they would give birth to the acid blotter baby that is Shari Cooper's sex fantasy in heaven.  It cracks me up every time.
  Anyways, Shari's in heaven (let me call it that for simplicity's sake) and in the presence of the Rishi, a fully enlightened being who explains the basic principals of living the good life: we are all connected, be kind to others, and each life is just another lesson in becoming divine.  Shari asks questions, the Rishi answers.  I love that about Christopher Pike; he sneaks really important stuff into packages disguised as pulpy teen escapism.  Pike books in general helped to shape who I became as an adult, and now there's a whole new generation reading and experiencing the same thing.  Score one for humanity!
  While heart-wrenching and thought-provoking, this whole book seemed almost like an interlude to set everyone up for the final epic battle of Good vs. Evil.  And I'm ready to rumble!  For good, I mean.  Obviously not for evil.  Or a contract with TapOut and cauliflower ears, like in the MMA.  Only for good.  

June 21 - July 8, 2011

Books of Blood: Volume 4
Clive Barker
Horror Anthology
Published 1984
151 pages

9/10

    A badass collection of Clive Barker's short fiction.

    In "The Body Politic", it's every 'hand' for himself!  Get it?  See what I did there?  I'm here all night, folks.
    This was GREAT.  It was extremely well written and moving - one felt both for the every day hero, and the insidious, all-prevailing horror.  I felt for the characters, every last one of them, and the end... boy, that packed a mean wallop!  Horrible and delightful, all at the same time.

    A crusty old drunk with a few tricks up his sleeve and an enchanted bit of knotted string teach a few young punks all about "The Inhuman Condition".
    I was riveted from the get go with this one - the opening scene was brutal and tugged at the ever-mushy cockles of my heart and then got my blood boiling.  I really liked that the antagonist wasn't a really bad guy, per se, but he wasn't quite the protagonist, either.  He was some weird in-between guy that you didn't really want to but couldn't help rooting for.  I can't even get into the protagonist without giving it all away.  It was definitely supernatural, and bizarre, and totally unorthodox... and I'm sure I barely got half of what I was supposed to.

    "Revelations" is a love story, a hate story, and a ghost story, all wrapped up in a seedy motel.
    I loved this!  Very simple and straightforward( I need more of that in my literary life) and, for all intents and purposes, this was a regular old, easy to understand ghost story.  The characters were particularly vivid, and the ladies in this were clearly given the upper hand (hurrah!)  while the men folk were almost stereotypical dudes.  I'd even say that this had a happy ending (for Clive Barker's horror fiction, anyways).

    "Down Satan!" shows us how searching for religion can bring you to one that you might not be ready to find.
    This was a dirty little bit of depravity.  It could have been much longer, what with the possibility of delving into each and every horror mentioned, and all the horror that wasn't, but was alluded to.  But all the little bits of violence and gore were used well, and may have been more effective than going full force.

    Science creates the ultimate drug of passion, in "The Age of Desire".
    It seemed like this story was almost an excuse for Clive Barker to write about masturbating monkeys.  Hey, nearly everyone finds monkeys entertaining!  But I don't; monkeys creep me out.  This was a neat story, but not in the least bit supernatural.

    Besides the first and third stories (which were awesome) this book just didn't really do it for me.  C'est la vie.   

May 31 - June 6, 2011

Books of Blood: Volume 1
Clive Barker
Horror Anthology
Published 1984
149 pages

9/10

  A badass collection of Clive Barker's short fiction.

  Forwards and Intros are usually a chore to read (no one wants to read 67+ pages of the history of the author and what kind of marmalade he liked on his toast, unless you're some kind of... I don't know, marmalade freak), but this was delightful!  I learned things about Clive Barker that I never would have presumed, and I have an even greater respect for the man.

  "The Book of Blood" was a great opener - a jaded ghost hunter and her deceptive medium experience a REAL paranormal event.
  Having a story to tie everything together was not only unique, but pretty fuckin' cool.  I love neat shit (both literally and figuratively).  Barker masters a delicate and glorious balance between sex and violence, and is a telling precursor of things to come.

  "The Midnight Meat Train" follows a young man into a bizarre massacre when he comes across a subway psychopath and the real reasons behind his violence.
  This was awesome because it would have made a terrific murder story, but instead it goes off in a completely fantastic direction that could still be terrifyingly and gruesomely plausible... if you have a little imagination.

  "The Yattering and Jack" concerns a low-level demon and the man he's charged with terrorizing; unfortunately for the demon, the mere mortal has an ace in the hole, and endless patience.
  I found this a little more... wholesome, at least in comparison to what I'd read so far.  It definitely gave me a heads up that The Books of Blood wasn't going to be all mutilation and... mutilation.  This was more like a fairy tale.  A sweet little story, but with a sly nod to the darker aspect of our human protagonist.  Interesting.

  In "Pig Blood Blues", a retired officer finds himself charged with keeping order at a boy's correctional facility, and discovers that things are hardly what they seem on the surface.  Wards have disappeared, and certain members of the livestock have got a taste for things other than scraps...
  Immediately, the tone was set to show that everything was a bit off-kilter, and nothing was quite right, which I found very unnerving.  The subtle tweaks of horror made it all the more bizarre.  I may not have understood all that I should have, but Clive Barker is a genius and I'm willing to accept that.  Dark, dark, dark, and left me with a feeling of hopeless inevitability.  In a good way, though.

  For "Sex, Death, and Starshine", death cannot begin to hamper true love for the stage.
  Mildly spooky, but more so an original twist on the old haunted theater bit.

  "In the Hills, the Cities", an insane and bizarre ritual leads to the ultimate destruction and mayhem; not just for the towns that participate, but for a nice couple of boys on their honeymoon.
  This was straight up fuckin' weird, but still comprehensible, and therefore a very unique type of weird story.  Usually when an author tries to be "weird" they very often instead do "cryptic jumpy bullshit" which irritates me to no end.  This, however, was FUCKIN' WEIRD but still clear as fresh glasses (people who wear glasses will understand how goddamn satisfying that really is).  Not only was it awesome in that respect, but it featured some nice homosexual lovin' (and there honestly isn't enough of that in the books I read) and a really bizarre orgy of S & M.  The most sexual story of the bunch.  SCORE.

    This was a great intro to Clive Barker's short fiction.  It ran all across the board, and was a good indicator to expect the unexpected.