Mar 12 - Mar 16, 2012

The Bighead
Edward Lee
Horror
Published 1992
274 pages

8/10

  Deep in the woods of Luntville (did you say...?  Ooooohhhhh, Luntville....  Carry on) there lives a man-beast called the Bighead.  His cranium is the size and shape of a watermelon, one eye is the size of a grapefruit while the other is the size of a grape, and his teeth look like carpet needles.  He rapes and kills nearly every person he... comes across (heh heh) with his gigantic monster penis and usually proceeds to eat parts of them, and he's going to visit some lovely people staying  at a nearby B&B...

  "Bighead didn't know!  He didn't know doodly-squat!  He were a deformed, woods-rompin', brain-eatin', pussy-bustin' retart." 
 
  I heard a lot of lore and urban legends about this book - it was supposed to be the nastiest, most disgusting, most graphic read out there.  Obviously, I HAD to have it, but I could never find the damn thing.  Luckily (unluckily?) for me, I was able to get it via the glory of the internetz and finally able to see what all the fuss was about.
  And my oh my, the fuss was well deserved!

WARNING!  EXTREMELY GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD!  COVER YOUR EYES, CONSERVATIVE FACTION OF THE INTERNET!  OR CLICK                                   HERE!

  I mean, rednecks kidnap and rape an elderly woman in her colostomy bag hole (I found out this was called a stoma from a customer at work... Reason #897 I love working at a Weed Store - I could never discuss these things at a straight job).  Nuns throw physics to the wayside and piss up a preacher's ass.  The Bighead rapes and kills a pregnant girl, sucks the baby out of her vagina and eats its brains.  I'm not making this shit up, people.  And I can see why this book caused a stir.
  Not only was it a bloody gore-o-rama, but there was a discernible plot and an honest to goodness mystery to keep my brain limber.  It was a little confusing at times, and occasionally convoluted, but it was still a real plot.  I consider that a grand gesture for this genre. 
  I was entertained, and even more so than usual, because I could describe certain acts throughout my read to disgusted friends, family, and one oddly unruffled head shop customer.
  There were some editing issues, but I've found that to be pretty prevalent in e-books.  I don't know what the fucking deal is with that - something must be getting lost in translation - but the majority of e-books I read are fucked in some way or another. 
  I could go on, but the Bighead is what it is, and it's simply this: a nasty-ass bit of literature (can I even use that word here?) to help a girl procrastinate.  Chores?  What chores?  I'm reading here!  Do you want me to tell you about it?  This guy here, he's got a monster cock, see...

  Oh wait, wrong book...

Feb 26 - Mar 2, 2012

Casting Shadows
J. Kelley Anderson
Urban Fantasy
Published Feb 1, 2012
231 pages

8/10

  A social pariah by the name of Edward Kelley finds himself the controller of some extremely powerful magic; but instead of using his new-found powers to destroy the society he despises, Edward is struck with the Herculean task of saving the human race...

  Normally I'm not a big fan of fantasy.  I find it too froofy with too many incomprehensible names:  (and yes, I'm using this clip again because it's AWESOME):

  Or there's just too goddamn much walking *cough* LOTR *cough*:

  But you know what?  There were none of those types of shenanigans to deal with in this book.  Casting Shadows was set in modern times (RVs make traveling a hell of a lot faster) with modern names (Edward; Vincent; Emma) and I found it a lot easier to digest because of that. 
  There were a lot of aspects to like about this read - the characters were natural and the dialogue was spot on.  The writing was done well; at times I'd find that I'd perused great chunks of the book in a single sitting.  You know, if I wasn't constantly bombarded by outside stimulation (friendly requests to get my goddamn late ass to the Pub; ferret/significant other demanding food; Breaking Bad; etc.) I probably could have burned through this book in a single ambitious evening.  It was one of those rare fun reads that engrosses you and keeps you zipping along until suddenly you realize you're on the last page.  It wasn't too nasty, nor overly sappy, but there was lots of action and cool as fuck characters.
  Unfortunately there were a couple of things that irked me during my read.  The first is that there were numerous editing errors; I counted close to a dozen, and I wasn't being as anal (heh heh) as usual (a testament to how good this book was at zipping you along - "Did the author write 'past' instead of 'passed'...?  Oh look, monsters!").  But it still bugs the ever-loving shit out of me.  There were also some elements that I thought could have used a little more explanation (the demon at the very beginning of the book, for instance) or depth (all the magical stuff, really).  The second part of that might not be a huge fault, though, so much as the fact that I was mighty interested in the magic bits.  The Cobs, especially.  The author should give them their own damn book, I liked them that much.  Though Vincent the undead servant was mighty badass in his own right; I think it was his relationship with the other characters in the book that made him so intriguing.  Magic shit is epic, yo.
  I liked this book, and I have a feeling that my hardcore fantasy-loving friends would LOVE it.  I'll definitely be recommending to those buddies.   

Jan 19 - Jan 24, 2012

Zone One
Colson Whitehead
Horror
Published 2011
259 pages

8/10

  The Zombie Plague has ripped through the nation, but the survivors are beginning to pick up the pieces; a tentative government has been established, rules are being put into place, and trained teams of volunteers are clearing out the undead, section by section.  As Mark Spitz exterminates the stragglers, the horror of the past and the horror of the present create a pervasive static trauma, but he's well prepared when the shit REALLY hits the fan...

  I don't know how to feel about Zone One; it's a unique take on the zombie novel, terrifically intellectual and quite unlike anything I've read before. 
  This is the first zombie novel I've read that focuses on the AFTERMATH of the living dead apocalypse - the slow treacherous rebuilding of society.  Truthfully, that's why I picked it up in the first place; who doesn't want to prepare themselves for their own eventual survival after the escape, the slaughter, and the small triumphs? 
  The fact that the author also brought up the mental and emotional effects of facing a zombie apocalypse was terrifically thoughtful and insightful.  Sure, other books have touched on the few crazies this or that character may have come across, but I kind of assume that ANY survivor would be a few cheese slices short of their tray of crackers after outrunning, outmaneuvering, and out-killing the living dead... and the living.  If you catch my drift.  Even our protagonist of Zone One was a leetle beet weeird and tough to follow at times, though this is chalked up to the trauma, and expertly so.
  But you know what else was hard to understand?  THE ENTIRE BOOK.
  Besides the fact that we zoned in and out of flashbacks without warning, and besides the fact that the protagonist did a fuck of a lot of thinking in his incredibly disjointed manner, and besides the fact that I needed my dictionary every page or so, it was just too... intellectual.  I mean, instead of splattering rotting brains to smithereens and rescuing enclaved survivors (we did do a little of that, but not much) we spent a lot of time in the head of Mark Spitz, with his incredibly intelligent (but incredibly obtuse) thoughts and feelings.
  This is a thinking man's zombie novel, but how many thinking men put down their Chaucer and pick up a contemporary undead horror book instead?  If I wanted to be entertained by thinking, I'd use my own freaky brain (or read an Oprah book) instead.  I read to escape the doldrums of my reality, not to step into the doldrums of someone else's.  
  So while it was good, and different, it's not what I expected or particularly in a zombie book.  But you can't argue with great writing, either.

Jan 6 - Jan 9, 2012

Day By Day Armageddon
J. L. Bourne
Horror
Published Sep 29, 2009   
263 pages

8/10

  A military man faces the Zombie Apocalypse, and must do whatever necessary to ensure the preservation of himself, and his soul.

  This is one of the first zombie books I've read where the human protagonist isn't a complete mess of an idiot. 
  This guy is a military man, intent on survival and actually possessing the skills to make it happen.  He knows how to handle guns, clear a room, fly a plane, and rescue others who aren't as adept at fending off the undead as himself.  He's willing to take risks I wouldn't (Rescue trapped survivors?  Well, those zombie hordes look mighty hungry, and my bunker here at Chapters is pretty cozy... maybe I'll just turn this radio off...) but this wasn't like most zombie books where I would find myself yelling, "Why are you leaving safety to look for your wife?!  She was trapped in the city 100 miles away when this whole thing went down 3 weeks ago!  You're going to get eaten, or lose friends who stupidly agree to go with you on this suicide mission, asshole!  In fact, I guarantee one will get bitten but hide it from all of you until the last minute, and then make an idiot 'Noble Sacrifice' to save you all, but most of you will die anyways, until there's no one left but you and possibly a sexy sidekick!  And your wife will probably be dead!  Or happy to see you, but that'll make things awkward for your sexy sidekick that you probably shared a kiss with after everyone else died.  Fuck.  This book sucks."  And though I probably just ruined every zombie book ever written out there (or ever will be written) you guys all know what I'm talking about.  In fact, our protagonist chose NOT to go looking for his parents, because he knew it would be suicide.  This is my kind of dude.  Yes, he did go looking for survivors, but based on logic and planning, not stupid love.
  Sure, the writing was a little under developed, the author repeated himself of occasion, and there were a fuckload of technical terms that meant little to me (I have never been in the military, after all) but it was such a quick easy read that all was forgiven.  I was too busy burning through this to really focus on the negative aspects, which is how a book should go.  If you're going to make a book draggy as fuck, make sure your writing skills are top-notch.  If you're new to writing and maybe have some bugs to work out, make it non-stop action so no one notices if your character thinks the same thought twice.
  Finally, a zombie book where I don't have to scream at it because the characters are idiots.  I'm sure that'll make my bus rides a lot less unnerving for the other passengers...

  Just imagine that nice little old lady is a book, and that'll be a pretty accurate representation of me reading most zombie novels.  For real.  Don't ride public transit.

Nov 13, 2011

Two-Fisted Tweets
James Hutchings
Anthology
Published 2011
7 pages

8/10

  The tiniest collection of the tiniest stories ever - each is no longer than a tweet (or 140 characters, for those of you sans Twitter).

  This anthology makes me wish I had a better memory.  I could totally amuse friends, customers, and strangers at the deli with these witticisms.  And seriously, I'm finding this dude's Twitter account and following the hell out of him; then I'll re-tweet his tweets, and hopefully unobservant people will think I'M being witty.  Kind of like the deli scanario, but with less head cheese and gout.

  The biggest upside to the book?
  I actually lol'd.  This dude is seriously funny.  Find the Big Foot one.  You'll lol, too.  And then you'll pack your bags and go Sasquatch hunting.
  Biggest downside?
  At 7 pages it's WAAAAY too short - both because I really want more, and 7 pages can hardly be considered a book.  It would really be more of a pamphlet. 

  I mean, WatchTower is longer.  But then again, no one actually enjoys WatchTower, so I think they make up for what they lack in genuine interest with excessively pandering content.  "Why won't YOUR parents let YOU have fun?"  Because you're a goddamn Jehovah's witness, and you don't get holidays, haircuts, or skirts above the ankle.
  But seriously, go download this book, and amuse your friends and family with witticisms.  It's easier than trying to amuse them with witticisms from WatchTower... 

Sep 2 - Sep 4, 2011
Suffer the Flesh
Monica J. O'Rourke
Horror/Torture Porn/Erotica 
Published 2002
143 pages

8/10

  A hefty young lady is kidnapped off the street and brought to a sex torture dungeon/diet camp, where fat girls go to get raped, humiliated, and mutilated so that they can be stressed enough to lose weight.  Sound like a good investment?  Well then, read on!

  OK.  This is the kind of book that you either like, or you don't.  And I almost don't want to confirm myself into either category.  What does it say about you when you like torture porn?  That you're a sick fuck.  What does it say when you DON'T?  That you're a pussy.  But I'd rather be watching Hostel than reading "inspirational fiction" so I guess you know where I stand on this one.  Count me in for the "Sick Fuck" demographic.
  Right off the bat I want to say that no matter how good or bad this book could have been, I wish I'd had access to books like this when I was in high school for our book report assignments.  
  'I think the scene where Lucy gets raped by the Great Dane is really just a metaphor for the epic struggle of Man vs. Nature - Man (or Lucy, in this instance) believes he has dominated nature (the Great Dane) but is brought back to the harsh reality of Nature's vast power (the Great Dane penis) and his illusions are ultimately shattered, as symbolized by Lucy's vagina "tearing, like tissue paper being ripped to shreds."  Thank you.'  End report, and proceed with initializing slow clap.  
  But back to the book itself.  Sure, I love torture porn.  Who doesn't?  Don't answer that, actually; I'd rather assume everyone is into it, as opposed to me being the only weirdo in the room.  And the scenes in the story were all pretty vivid - there was a great period last night where we all sat around the campfire and I read a couple of chapters out loud for my riveted pals.  It was awesome.
  But the story seemed to be written mostly for the sake of detailing the nasty, as there wasn't much character development to be seen, and there were some pretty serious continuity errors, which I can't really get into without giving away some key plot points.  Suffice to say, I noticed because I'm a bit of an nit-picky editor when it comes to my reading material.  So fine, gratuitous torture porn for the sake of gratuitous torture porn.  Awesome.  But in that case, go all the way and run with it!  Urinate on a broad, but don't defecate on her chest?  Have a dog nail a chick, but don't have it tear her throat out after?  If you want to be brutal, BE BRUTAL.  Pick a side and give it your all, don't wuss out on both aspects instead.
  I can't believe I just argued for that.  Please don't judge me.
  I will say that the premise was totally original, it was a hell of a page turner (how could something as innocent sounding as "The Pear" be so bad?  Oh.  CHRIST.  That's how...) and overall, it was an enjoyable reading experience, because it was just dang entertaining.  And very, very gross. 

June 12 - June 20, 2011

Books of Blood: Volume 3
Clive Barker
Horror Anthology
Published 1984
100-and-some-odd pages (it's too late and I'm too lazy to look for the blasted thing)

8/10

  A badass collection of Clive Barker's short fiction.

  "Son of Celluloid" reveals the horror at the heart of our obsession with film.
  This was a fun little romp - imaginative for sure.  I had a little trouble with it, possibly because the monster (at it were) was somewhat undefined.  Certain scenes, such as walking into the W.C. and finding oneself in a Spaghetti Western, were so vivid that I can still see them in my head.  Which is why doing relaxation at the end of hot yoga is so difficult for me.  Remember the episode of South Park where we see what goes on inside Cartman's mind when he closes his eyes?

  Yeah, that's basically what I'm dealing with because of sweet ass horror fiction like this.  Thanks, Mr. Barker.
Not an absolute favorite, but macabre and memorable enough to be pretty darn good.

  "Rawhead Rex" is unleashed by an ignorant farmer, and wreaks havoc on the countryside.  Did I mention he's a baby eater?  Yeah, he does that, too.
  What a ridiculously fantastic title!  I definitely expected some hardcore depravity.  However, in all actuality, it was kind of time... for Clive Barker, anyways.  Really, it was more like a fable than anything else, and for some reason, didn't really do it for me.

  "Confessions of a (Pornographer's) Shroud" is EXACTLY that.  No other explanation needed.
  This was WEIRD.  Awesome weird.  Crazy weird.  Really fuckin' WEIRD.  I totally loved it.  The characters were strikingly complex, and not just because one of them was a crusty old twisted up sheet.  I was well pleased with the amount of violence, especially the disemboweling.  I tried to read that particular bit to Chad on the Greyhound bus ride home from visiting with Cara, and he stopped me before I could even get out a full sentence!  Now that's good gore.  Spectacular.

  "Scapegoats" finds a handful of sexy young people on a terrifying island with a deadly secret.
  I thought this was terrifically atmospheric - definitely more of a horror story in comparison to the others collected in this particular anthology.  This was one of the ones that was just plain creepy; a deserted island, spooky sounds, unexplainable phenomena - all the makings of a straight shot horror story.  Also of note, the protagonist was a woman.  I always enjoy that.  I definitely liked this one.

  "Human Remains" explores the life of a particular gigolo, and the creature who wants nothing more than to emulate it.
  This was very dreamy and soft, in a way.  The first half went well enough - the life of a hustler is always interesting stuff.  The second half descended into some some sort of deep subtext that I wasn't quite able to gather.  Meh.

  I had a rough go of it with a few of these stories, but the ones I liked, I REALLY liked.

Mar 9 - Mar 12, 2011
 
Room
Emma Donoghue
General Fiction
Published 2010
321 pages

8/10

    Remember the Josef Fritzl case?  Of course you do, it was everywhere.  Apparently Emma Donoghue took note of it too, because this book is something along those lines, except more feel good anecdotes, and less incest.
  
    So, wasn't this Amazon's #1 book for, like, a million years?  I mean, even today at Chapters, this book was errywhur, all covered in gold stickers and on the "Heather's Pick" table and shit.  I mean, this book has been hyped.  But when I finally read it, I found it kind of... underwhelming.  It was certainly no Chuck Palahniuk.  But maybe that's just my preference for the grotesque.
    The subject matter was definitely thrilling, and there was lots of action to keep the ball rolling.  There were plenty of tense and thrilling scenes, and some shocking bits as well.  It has all the making of an easy to read book... so easy to read, in fact, that a grade schooler with above average vocabulary could enjoy it.
    Because really, it all comes down the narrative; something so risky will make or break a novel.  Reading from, at all times, 5-year-old Jack's point of view is definitely unique.  On the one hand it works because the story moves so swiftly, no getting bogged down in analysis, and there's plenty of action.  It also makes for some amusing observations.  But on the other hand, it's so literal and detached, it makes it hard for me to identify with the little bugger.  I have more empathy for his mother; at least she seems human, and believable (although making a socially stunted 5-year-old protagonist and narrator believable can't be the easiest task).  And really, out of all of it, my relationship with Jack is the only detraction.  I guess if I wanted more violence and sodomy, I should have picked up the actual Fritzl true crime book.  I'll be happy enough to accept Room as the somewhat PG book it is; I can't fault it because I didn't find it gross enough, and I should have kind of guessed, considering how popular it is.  There aren't a lot of bestsellers with hardcore incest.  Unfortunately.

Dec 29, 2010 - Jan 2, 2011

A Choir of Ill Children
Tom Piccirilli
Gothic Horror
Published 2003
225 pages

8/10

    Our protagonist is the overseeing benefactor of a nasty little backwater, packed to the brim ridiculous denizens including multiple whores, religious factions, and honest to god freaks.
    Generally I hate this kind of book.  Vague.  Confusing.  Scattered.  Events will occur without your realizing and things that you think have happened turn out to be metaphors.  There is no real definable beginning, middle, or end.  Yet somehow... this was a GOOD BOOK.  The writing was superb; incredibly vivid and visceral.  There was plenty of gore (finger-chopping, filling-melting, child-strangling, amputation-by-gator GORE) and heaps of sex (drunken-dive-bar-parking-lot-lovin', near-smothering-by-titties, twisted-bondage-threesome SEX).  There were freaks; straight up Siamese triplets sharing an upper cranium and ten pound brain, digit-less conjure women, and limbless feces eaters, as well as penitents, mutes, and hollow-eyed P.I.'s.  There were multiple plot threads, each of which were fascinating in their own right, most (if not all) of which were tied together for the final crescendo (Bravo on that bit of masterminding Mr. Piccirilli, by the way).  The irony regarding the fates of our protagonists parents was a nice touch.
  Yeah, there were parts where I thought, "What he shit was that, did it really just happen, and what does this MEAN?!" but those parts were written well enough that I enjoyed them well enough to go, "Fuck it, whatever."  And you know, the hillbilly inside of me just loves the setting... it's like if V.C. Andrews and Jerry Springer had a love child on meth.  Seriously.  It may be confusing at times, but it's a train wreck you just can't look away from.
  I can't stress enough how well this book was written, and while, in general, this particular writing style leaves me cold, somehow, I don't think it would have been as good if written otherwise.