Mar 13 - Mar 24, 2011
Snow
Ronald Malfi
Published March 2010
311 pages
1/10
While driving through a blinding snowstorm, our genius protagonists pick up a bloody hitch-hiker who leads them to a seemingly deserted, gore soaked town that is actually inhabited by... snow-monsters. If you just pictured frowny-faced snowmen, we're totally on the same page here.
This book was so dull, it actually made me NOT WANT TO READ. Yes, THAT is how reprehensible the reading material was. It wasn't even so much that it was bad, it was just... lame. It's hard to pinpoint any specific reasons as to why I didn't like it, but when I found myself reading Snow, within a few pages I'd be nodding off. Or I'd suddenly find something of greater importance to occupy my time. At one point I put this book away to work on my rubber band ball. Yeah, Snow was THAT riveting.
To me, the only thing worse than a bad book is a boring book. Not that parts of this weren't bad; oh no! On the contrary! There were enough literary blunders to keep my contempt for this novel well nourished. The pacing was terrible; all the action was saved for the beginning and end - the middle was a blur of... blurriness. I have very little recollection of the majority of the story. The monsters were hardly scary - they were, after all, made of snow. It's difficult to strike fear into the heart of a hardened horror aficionado with ill-defined snowmen.
Snow
Ronald Malfi
Published March 2010
311 pages
1/10
While driving through a blinding snowstorm, our genius protagonists pick up a bloody hitch-hiker who leads them to a seemingly deserted, gore soaked town that is actually inhabited by... snow-monsters. If you just pictured frowny-faced snowmen, we're totally on the same page here.
This book was so dull, it actually made me NOT WANT TO READ. Yes, THAT is how reprehensible the reading material was. It wasn't even so much that it was bad, it was just... lame. It's hard to pinpoint any specific reasons as to why I didn't like it, but when I found myself reading Snow, within a few pages I'd be nodding off. Or I'd suddenly find something of greater importance to occupy my time. At one point I put this book away to work on my rubber band ball. Yeah, Snow was THAT riveting.
To me, the only thing worse than a bad book is a boring book. Not that parts of this weren't bad; oh no! On the contrary! There were enough literary blunders to keep my contempt for this novel well nourished. The pacing was terrible; all the action was saved for the beginning and end - the middle was a blur of... blurriness. I have very little recollection of the majority of the story. The monsters were hardly scary - they were, after all, made of snow. It's difficult to strike fear into the heart of a hardened horror aficionado with ill-defined snowmen.
And while there were a few spooky or gory scenes, there were far more examples of scholarly atrocities than not. I saved a few particularly delightful gems from the book, word for word, for you to enjoy -
"I drive like Stevie Wonder." Really, bitch? As far as I know, Stevie Wonder doesn't drive at all. So either you're implying that you also do not drive, or you drive how you imagine a blind person, such as Stevie Wonder, would drive, which could only end in tragedy, blood, and lost lives. Is that what you want for a national treasure?! IS IT?!
"She was watching Tully like someone who paid a good price to step into a freak show." How would a person look when doing this? Was the price good for the someone who paid it? Or was it a good price for the person charging admission to the freak show? Did she look ripped off? Or like she still had enough money for corn dogs? I'm confused.
"She looked to be in her early thirties, but the exhaustion and fear that had plagued her over the past week had multiplied her age so that she looked old enough to remember the Kennedy administration." The Kennedy administration was from 1961 to 1963, which would, at the very least, place someone's birth date in the 1950's (making them in their fifties, now). Someone in their early thirties would have been born in the 1970's. Unless this bitch appeared to be the type to get a discount on their early-bird special and then fall asleep after Matlock, the exhaustion and fear wouldn't have multiplied her age; hell, it wouldn't have even doubled it. And how could she look to be in her early thirties and also look to be old enough to remember the Kennedy administration at the SAME TIME ?! This whole sentence is a travesty.
"A lion-shaped skull pivoted wildly on a thin stalk of a neck..." Really? The skull was lion-shaped? I know what a lion shape is. It's this:
"I drive like Stevie Wonder." Really, bitch? As far as I know, Stevie Wonder doesn't drive at all. So either you're implying that you also do not drive, or you drive how you imagine a blind person, such as Stevie Wonder, would drive, which could only end in tragedy, blood, and lost lives. Is that what you want for a national treasure?! IS IT?!
"She was watching Tully like someone who paid a good price to step into a freak show." How would a person look when doing this? Was the price good for the someone who paid it? Or was it a good price for the person charging admission to the freak show? Did she look ripped off? Or like she still had enough money for corn dogs? I'm confused.
"She looked to be in her early thirties, but the exhaustion and fear that had plagued her over the past week had multiplied her age so that she looked old enough to remember the Kennedy administration." The Kennedy administration was from 1961 to 1963, which would, at the very least, place someone's birth date in the 1950's (making them in their fifties, now). Someone in their early thirties would have been born in the 1970's. Unless this bitch appeared to be the type to get a discount on their early-bird special and then fall asleep after Matlock, the exhaustion and fear wouldn't have multiplied her age; hell, it wouldn't have even doubled it. And how could she look to be in her early thirties and also look to be old enough to remember the Kennedy administration at the SAME TIME ?! This whole sentence is a travesty.
"A lion-shaped skull pivoted wildly on a thin stalk of a neck..." Really? The skull was lion-shaped? I know what a lion shape is. It's this:
If its skull was really lion-shaped, well, that is one complicated ass cranium.
" 'It's easier to see them if you don't look directly at them,' Todd said. 'Like stars,' Kate said." No no, I can see stars when I look directly at them just fine. In fact, it's actually harder for me to see stars when I'm not looking at them. Imagine that! I think maybe instead of saying "stars" he meant to say "those wiggly blobs you see when you close your eyes".
Honestly, this got PUBLISHED.
I was only able to finish this book because I started reading it, fell asleep, woke up two hours later, and forced myself to just get through the thing. What a waste of precious reading time.
" 'It's easier to see them if you don't look directly at them,' Todd said. 'Like stars,' Kate said." No no, I can see stars when I look directly at them just fine. In fact, it's actually harder for me to see stars when I'm not looking at them. Imagine that! I think maybe instead of saying "stars" he meant to say "those wiggly blobs you see when you close your eyes".
Honestly, this got PUBLISHED.
I was only able to finish this book because I started reading it, fell asleep, woke up two hours later, and forced myself to just get through the thing. What a waste of precious reading time.
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